The Online Magic 8 Ball

There's only so many times you can read, Don't count on it before you come to real people to chat.

It's not even like I need advice really as I know what the most chivalrous thing to do would be but I can't bring myself to do it. The truth is I'm scared. I've been in the Cage with pro fighters and taught in a prison for the last 6 years but for the first time in as long as I can remember I am really and truly scared.

I don't want to play the normal ppl card here because I believe that the more you try ot be an outsider the more you're marginalized by regular people who want to be a bit edgy.

I'm incapable of making decisions that have any real life ramifications. I aspire to live on my own and experience the world through my own eyes. I really don't think there's a person I'd change all of this for. I cant get away from the fact that I'm way to comfortable in my own company.

I love my friends but I'm safe in the knowledge that the love between good friends is unconditional. I'm screaming a million different things under a blanket of silence and am only too aware of the turning tides of convention and faux popularity.

I'm not even sure what I m trying to say here, just that I'm really scared of breaking someone's heart because I know how jaded the experience has made me and how unready I am to change the reclusive lifestyle I seem to be craving so much at the moment.

Thanks very much for listening
I love you ppl

Only just seen this Ben, not been on much since I got back from Turkey as I've been ill so I apologise.

Firstly, we've talked before about this, and you know my thoughts on it. How do you expect to fully throw yourself into life and get as much as possible from it if you are forever guarding the deepest part of you and trying to protect it?

Making yourself vulnerable doesn't guarantee you'll get hurt babe, I admit that life is shitty and these things do happen, but by closing yourself off from the risk you're stopping yourself from really finding something wonderful, too.

Don't take this wrong, but this part amused me:

Since when has chivalry been part of real life? If only it was! But its not hon, and as lovely as grand gestures are and big 'ta-daaaaaaaaaaa!' moments, its the little things you really think about as years go by, you just laugh at the grand gestures because 9 times out of 10 they were made by people you used to know, not the people you're still with. Grand gestures and chivalry are fits and starts....the sprints if you like...and the sprinters inevitably end up lonely, whereas the marathon runners are always in pairs thinking about how beautiful it is to take all these turns together without grandiose bullshit getting in the way.

Physical, physical, physical. You are scared because you're feeling things that arent physical, and thats good (although it frightens you) .

I think the fact that you've been burned before is whats underlying all this.

Dude, when I was a kid I went through some awful stuff, and I'd say on average whilst pregnant with Maia I worried about, ohhhh, every 0.7 nano-seconds about whether I would follow in the female drunks of my family and make her life hell like mine had been....and I'm not the worlds greatest mum, but the shit I went through made me realise what kind of parent I want to be, and didn't pre-determine it for me. The same with relationships, the ones that hurt us make us realise what we will do differently to never cause that kind of hurt to another person we care about. Its hard work, but when one comes along thats worth the effort...that marathon is a bit easier to run.

People are fickle Ben but you know who your real friends are; they are the ones that might be there every day but might not, that won't necessarily be in your last ten phonecalls on your mobile but you know when you next speak to them you'll fall back into things easily, the ones who think about you and wonder how you are and not just wanna talk about superficial crap that means nothing. You may have just one of these or you may be lucky enough to have a few. I have a friend I see roughly every 2 years, but we've been friends for years, and speak to her maybe once a month on the phone, its not as intense as mine and Jude's friendship but its real and it will last forever regardless of other things that come and go and we never, either of us, have to question that.

I don't know what else I can say, you seem to be pretty confused at the moment and I don't want to assume things and get everything wrong. I know a few months ago you seemed to be falling hard for a girl, and I don't know if this has come to an end and you're feeling lost within it all or whether you are now flat on your face for her and its overwhelming you a bit. Just remember you are you, and always will be, and you'll always have this 'orrible lot (just kidding, folks ) and whether you choose to share your heart and soul with someone is purely down to you, but I think by closing part of yourself off through fear isn't you, and you'd get so much out of just opening up, for every negtive risk there has to positive too, right?

Anytime, and right back atcha