The Tail of the Colours, Book 1

PROLOUGE
The Evil Begins

"Al! help...". Al the alien looked over to see his twin brother Marshine being tackled by little robots called Cybrz. "Don't worry bro I'll get ya outta there!" yelled Al. He picked up his lazor gun and vaporized the Cybrz with one pull of the trigger! "Look out behind you!!!" yelled Al as a Cybr bigger than all the others picked up Marshine by the head. "take this robo scum!" yelled Marshine as he pulled the trigger on his gun. but nothing happened to the Cybr. Insted it made a red aura around him and then it disappeared. "Nice try little alien but no lazor can pierce I Seargent Cybrozon. I shall take you to lord Silverblud right after I pick up my Super cannon upgrade.". All of the sudden they warped to a convayer belt. Cybrozon snatched up a a lazor cannon and as soon as it toched his arm it connected as if he were built that way. "You see little aliens my ability is to morph together with other high tech machinery when ever I want." he said. "Three to Silverblud's thrown room" yelled the robo seargent. as soon as he did we warped right in front of a giant robot. "Your dead Silverblud!" yelled Marshine angrily. At that same time Al had figured out how to escape Cybrozon and made a jump for Silverblud. Unfortunatly when Al jumped Marshine had already pulled the trigger and the lazor hit Al's arm! Al's arm vaporized and he fell unconcious. Silverblud simply pushed a few buttons on the arm of his thrown. Then he walked up and said "goodbye you have approximatly sixty seconds before this ship blows to bits and peices!" he snatched up Al and an escape pod appeared Silverblud stepped in. "but my lord what about me?" asked Cybrozon. "Sorry only room for two" and with that the escape pod vanished. "Well little alien if were both gonna die than we might as well make it qui-" Cybrozon was cut of when a sudden explosion started. Marshine was still alive blasting through space and away from mars. Then he crashed on what appeared to be the moon. When he crashed he fell unconcious. Days later he woke up on a leaf as many little monsters stared at him. They asked what happened and Marshine explained everything. Then when he was done a dragon said "My name is Scarr us Colours are also enemies of the Cybrz. In fact Silverblud's secret base is located somewhere on the moon. From then on Marshine lived with the colors. Meanwhile somewhere deep in a crater on the moon. Al woke up strapped down to a metal table. When he looked down where his arm should have been he saw a robot arm. He then noticed Silverblud standing in front of him. Then he stared back down at his robot arm. "Why did you fix me?" asked Al. "Well I couldnt just let that maniac destroy you" said Silverblud. "What maniac" asked Al. "Your twin of course he was about to finish you off but I sent him to the moon" lied Silverblud. I will get him back well what shall I call you now?"asked Al. "Just call me major Silverblud" he said back.

Okay plz give me ratings 1 star equals:*. 2 stars equals:**. 3 stars equals;***. 4 stars equals:****. 5 stars:*****. Also when i reach chapter 1 I will tell all the characters.

This post has been edited by LuxMaster on Jul 22 2007, 07:42 PM

Paragraphs much?
A new one should start after anyone talks.
You should probably also use spell check. Laser, not lazor.

Sorry for being impatient but when are you going to update the story?

Ok, I am so fixing this...

PROLOGUE
The Evil Begins

"Al! help...".
Al the alien looked over to see his twin brother Marshine being tackled by little robots called Cybrz.
"Don't worry bro I'll get ya outta there!" yelled Al. He picked up his lazer gun and vaporized the Cybrz with one pull of the trigger.
"Look out behind you!!!" yelled Al as a Cybr bigger than all the others picked up Marshine by the head.
"Take this, robo scum!" yelled Marshine as he pulled the trigger on his gun. But nothing happened to the Cybr. Insted it made a red aura around him and then it disappeared.
"Nice try little alien but no lazer can pierce me, Seargent Cybrozon. I shall take you to lord Silverblud right after I pick up my Super cannon upgrade."
All of the sudden they warped to a conveyor belt. Cybrozon snatched up a a lazer cannon and as soon as it touched his arm it connected as if he were built that way.
"You see, little aliens, my ability is to morph together with other high tech machinery whenever I want." he said. "Three to Silverblud's thrown room" yelled the robo seargent.
As soon as he did we warped right in front of a giant robot. "You're dead, Silverblud!" yelled Marshine angrily. At that same time Al had figured out how to escape Cybrozon and made a jump for Silverblud. Unfortunatly when Al jumped Marshine had already pulled the trigger and the lazer hit Al's arm! Al's arm vaporized and he fell unconcious. Silverblud simply pushed a few buttons on the arm of his throne. Then he walked up and said
"Goodbye. You have approximately sixty seconds before this ship blows to bits and peices!"
He snatched up Al and an escape pod appeared. Silverblud stepped in. "but my lord what about me?" asked Cybrozon. "Sorry, only room for two." and with that the escape pod vanished.
"Well, little alien if we're both gonna die than we might as well make it qui-" Cybrozon was cut off by a sudden explosion.
Marshine was still alive, blasting through space and away from Mars. Then he crashed on what appeared to be the moon, falling unconcious.
Days later he woke up on a leaf with many little monsters staring at him. They asked what happened and Marshine explained everything.
Then, when he was done, a dragon said "My name is Scarr. Us Coulers are also enemies of the Cybrz. In fact, Silverblud's secret base is located somewhere on the moon."
From then on Marshine lived with the Coulers.
Meanwhile, somewhere deep in a crater on the moon, Al woke up strapped down to a metal table. When he looked down where his arm should have been he saw a robot arm. He then noticed Silverblud standing in front of him. Then he stared back down at his robot arm.
"Why did you fix me?" asked Al.
"Well, I couldnt just let that maniac destroy you" said Silverblud. "What maniac?" asked Al.
"Your twin of course. He was about to finish you off but I sent him to the moon." lied Silverblud.
"I will get him back. Well, what shall I call you now?"asked Al.
"Just call me major Silverblud" he said back.

This post has been edited by Pokedrawer Z on Jul 28 2007, 02:43 PM

man, its just like all conversation, no description D:

I know...

it makes it sound unintelligent...like a fourth grader wrote it >_>

I just re-wrote it. If I had been in charge, there would have been mega descriptions.

That hurt I am a 4th grader

......................... Oh...

How dare you call me unintellegent! !!! Fine! I will fix It!


PROLOGUE
The Evil Begins

"Al! help...".
Al the alien looked over to see his twin brother Marshine being tackled by little robots called Cybrz.
"Don't worry bro I'll get ya outta there!" yelled Al. He picked up his lazer gun and vaporized the Cybrz with one pull of the trigger.
"Look out behind you!!!" yelled Al as a Cybr bigger than all the others picked up Marshine by the head.
"Take this, robo scum!" yelled Marshine as he pulled the trigger on his gun. But nothing happened to the Cybr. Insted it made a red aura around him and then it disappeared.
"Nice try little alien but no lazer can pierce me, Seargent Cybrozon. I shall take you to lord Silverblud right after I pick up my Super cannon upgrade."
All of the sudden they warped to a conveyor belt. Cybrozon snatched up a a lazer cannon and as soon as it touched his arm it connected as if he were built that way.
"You see, little aliens, my ability is to morph together with other high tech machinery whenever I want." he said. "Three to Silverblud's thrown room" yelled the robo seargent.
As soon as he did we warped right in front of a giant robot. "You're dead, Silverblud!" yelled Marshine angrily. At that same time Al had figured out how to escape Cybrozon and made a jump for Silverblud. Unfortunatly when Al jumped Marshine had already pulled the trigger and the lazer hit Al's arm! Al's arm vaporized and he fell unconcious. Silverblud simply pushed a few buttons on the arm of his throne. Then he walked up and said
"Goodbye. You have approximately sixty seconds before this ship blows to bits and peices!"
He snatched up Al and an escape pod appeared. Silverblud stepped in. "but my lord what about me?" asked Cybrozon. "Sorry, only room for two." and with that the escape pod vanished.
"Well, little alien if we're both gonna die than we might as well make it qui-" Cybrozon was cut off by a sudden explosion.
Marshine was still alive, blasting through space and away from Mars. Then he crashed on what appeared to be the moon, falling unconcious.
Days later he woke up on a leaf with many little monsters staring at him. They asked what happened and Marshine explained everything.
Then, when he was done, a dragon said "My name is Scarr. Us Coulers are also enemies of the Cybrz. In fact, Silverblud's secret base is located somewhere on the moon."
From then on Marshine lived with the Coulers.
Meanwhile, somewhere deep in a crater on the moon, Al woke up strapped down to a metal table. When he looked down where his arm should have been he saw a robot arm. He then noticed Silverblud standing in front of him. Then he stared back down at his robot arm.
"Why did you fix me?" asked Al.
"Well, I couldnt just let that maniac destroy you" said Silverblud. "What maniac?" asked Al who was calling Silverblud a hypocrite in his head.
"Your twin of course. He was about to finish you off but I sent him to the moon." lied Silverblud looking amused.
"I will get him back." said Al through gritted teeth as he examined his arm "Well, what shall I call you now?"asked Al.
"Just call me major Silverblud" he said back as he left the room.

better?

*coughlookathisagecough*

Don't be so mean, guys! We've all been through writing stories that needs some work but at least tell him what he needs to improve not like: "it's not good" or "you need to improve it"


And just to tell you lux, when you want to make new paragraphs, press the enter button so they would split and not look confusing. More pronouns and stronger verbs will probably help

Alright, calm yourselves down.

Because LuxMaster will get hurt and angry , keep those kind of opinons to yourself, comment the story and tell him how to improve it.

And you bumped the topic btw, I don't even know if he's even continuing with it.

Sorry for the bump, but I'm sure he'll start again. He PMed me for the names of the coulors lazydude made for me.

Well then. i guess i will make it.... again. This time hopefully you can tell me what is wrong with it, instead of saying its bad. *sigh*

now i cant and wont keep PMing people to ask if i can use their coulors. S o now I will keep a list of the characters and their image. now thier will be some coulors more powerful than others so dont ask to make your character stronger or ask if i can use your character more. there will be a lot of characters so i might not use them all a lot, but i promise you that i will include each and every one.Now i will make up names unless you tell me what names they have.

Here is a contract that you must sign

I ____________ promise to let LuxMaster ue my coulor/cybyr/cryphe/crawlr and the name(s) are __________. Or you may make a name YES NO (use * to answer)

I will add the list later.