Leech Child style experiment

[Medical Meccanica]

"Look, you've got to believe me!" he was panting even harder now, cold sweat dripping from his brow and down onto the bandanna around his neck. "Everyone's dead in Kumo Village... My mom's dead, my dad's dead, and it's all because of-" he paused suddenly, and then swallowed everything he was going to say back down into his lungs.

"Because of who?", the guard asked. "We don't have time for this kind of crap. If you need somewhere to stay, go to the slums"

He gulped again. his eight legs skittered in place on the wooden floor. Ren watched him ball up his hands into fists, fists not out of anger but fear. It was the kind of fear that you only see in someone running for their life - or perhaps a tsuchigumo coming to their enemy simply out of desperation.


please ignore grammar/tense/pov errors, I can fix those later

I'm mostly looking for advice about my voice and such... I KNOW some of you write and I could really use some advice because at this point I'm pretty lost.

Also posted at PMF and a whole lot of other places

[aocom]

In the first paragraph I think that the amount of description detracts from the frantic tone. I'm reading these short phrases in the dialogue and then confronted with a long descriptive sentence which breaks up the flow. I would cut it down or change it around to something more choppy. But I don't write much anymore, I just like reading so iono.