We’re Going Shopping!

By Rogue

Saturday morning at the X-Mansion was always dedicated to a big supermarket shop. With so many people under one roof, it came as no surprise that it was an all morning job.

Jean Grey-Summers, better known as Marvel Girl to her team mates, came swooping determinedly into the living room, armed with a duster and polish. For once, her husband, Scott had volunteered himself and Gambit to do the weekly shop, leaving Rogue and Jean to blitz the house clean.

One of Jean’s sons, Nathan, was sat with his best friend Oliver, who happened to be the first son of Rogue and Gambit, on the sofa with a playstation console in his hands. Nathan’s twin, Scotia, and Oliver’s sister Renee sat in the opposite sofa leaning over a magazine. Nathan and Scotia’s other brother and sister: Philip and Lily, were nowhere to be seen, nor was Oliver and Renee’s younger brother Jean-Luc.

“Who’s volunteering for the weekly shop then?” Jean asked sternly, swatting her son with the duster.

“Not us!” Renee quickly interjected. “We’ve gone every week for the past three months!” She looked expectantly at her brother.

“Oh no!” Oliver laughed. “No way. We’re busy.” He pointed to the television screen. Jean tutted, so Nathan quickly spoke.

“Get Lily or Jean-Luc or Philip to go.” He groaned.

“Nathan!” Jean sighed. “Lily is at a friend’s house, and the boys went last week. I really think it should be you boys…”

Just then, Rogue flew into the living room carrying a hoover and looked down at the two boys. “You’re going shopping with your fathers.” She finalised, after hearing the arguments in the hallway. “No excuses, you’ve been staring at that television for the past week.”

After much moaning, groaning, pleading, bargaining and begging, Oliver and Nathan begrudgingly exited to join their fathers who were waiting in the car. Renee and Scotia had a grin stretch for ear to ear until a duster was thrown at them

“You girls can help us clean up!” Jean added slyly.

*

Gambit drove the blue Mercedes rather recklessly through the streets whilst smoking an unfiltered cigarette as Scott sat in the passenger seat lecturing the two boys in the back.

“I don’t know what’s up with you two,” Scott sighed, winding down the window a crack. Oliver snorted contemptuously, causing Scott to throw him a filthy look.

“Because we’re spending our Saturday going to the supermarket with YOU.” Nathan muttered sulkily, resting his chin on his palm and staring out the window. Scott rolled his eyes and was thrown sharply into the door as Gambit made a hard left. Recovering himself, he turned to the both of them.

“Boys, its just a little grocery shopping. It can’t possibly be THAT bad.”

*

Several arguments with the parking attendant later over petty change from Scott, and Gambit taking out a display of Cadbury’s cream eggs with yet more reckless trolley steering, the four were well underway with their list.

Oliver and Nathan dragged their shoes on the shiny floor, heads hung inconspicuously low to try not to draw attention to themselves. Gambit weaved through the crowd around the fruit section to draw up in between them, whilst Scott inspected cucumbers in a bizarre fashion.

“You know, I once applied for a job here,” Gambit added, trying to make conversation. Oliver looked up at his father.

“Oh god, you didn’t WORK here did you?”

“I applied to go on the cheese counter,” Gambit said airily, casting a dark look at the counter in question.

“Well…did you get it?” Nathan asked, bemused by Gambit’s scowl.

“no, apparently my voice was too intimidting.” He muttered.

Oliver and Nathan sniggered heartily. “So it had nothing to do with the way you were sinisterly flexing a cheese wire?” Oliver snorted at his begrudging father.

“Shut up, Oliver.” Gambit muttered, turning away and walking off with the trolly. Just then, Scott came striding over clutching a well inspected cucumber and observing the list in his hand.

“Let’s see…what else is on the list…AH!” Scott exclaimed, with a proud, knowing smile on his face. “Tampons!”

He gave a satisfied nod and stalked towards the feminine hygiene isle, a ‘reserved’ hand basket swinging merrily by his side as he browsed the shelves. Oliver and Nathan stood stationary, the colour draining from their faces, before running up to him.


“Dad!” Nathan groaned, agonised. “I can’t believe you’re doing that, it’s so embarrassing.”

Scott paused from reading the back of a box and turned to his son. “Nathan, don’t be so childish. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about!” Scott made a sudden movement towards Oliver and Nathan, who had no time to dart. “Your mothers and sisters all have to go through it – I think it’s an honour they trust us in retrieving such items for them!” Seizing either one of them around the shoulders, he steered them towards the stacks of tampons. Nathan and Oliver frantically struggled, desperate to get away, but Scott held firm.

“Here, boys, you help me choose. There’s these super-absorbent, quiet-opening packets…oh that’s clever, isn’t it?”

“Uncle Scott, don’t tell me your ENJOYING this,” Oliver hissed, beetroot red as a group of bewildered women passed them. Scott ignored him and continued browsing the shelves before crying out triumphantly. “Oh look, a bumper pack! That’ll sort them all out for ages! And this one comes with a free calendar, that’ll come in handy; perhaps Jean could put it up in the kitchen...”

“DAD!” Nathan snarled through gritted teeth. “That is a calendar to record…you know…look, every month it’s a gross biological…” Nathan tailed off, indicating at the pictures. Scott looked nonplussed for a moment, before glancing at the calendar.

“Well, Jean could still put it up in the kitchen, and then all the girls could mark it off in different colours…”

Oliver managed to struggle free as Scott was preoccupied looking at the calendar. He darted away, leaving Nathan in the clutches of his father waving the box above his head yelling “…that way we know when to avoid which girl, HA HA HA!”

Oliver skittered around the corner of the isle in search for his father. He wandered down the baby food isle, covering his scarlet face from the women who passed them in the tampon isle. Eventually, he spotted Gambit at the prescription counter, where he was talking loudly and animatedly. Oliver took two strides forward towards him when he stopped dead, the colour draining from his face. Gambit was talking at the top of his voice, gesticulating wildly as if it was going to enlighten the pharmacist.

“YEAH, I MEAN THEY DON’T BOTHER US 24/7 – IT’S STRANGE HOW ALL FOUR OF US HAVE THEM. I MEAN I UNDERSTAND MY WIFE AND HER BEST FRIEND, AFTER HAVING THREE AND FOUR KIDS, ITS NORMAL TO GET PILES, RIGHT? BUT I THINK SCOTT AND I JUST STRAIN A LITTLE TOO HARD IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”

Oliver swiftly turned on his heel and went in the opposite direction as his father began hoisting his leg over the counter to ‘show the pharmacist the damage.’ Obsessively selecting sanitary towels with Scott was infinitely better than watching his father divulge in the anal issues of his parents, aunt and uncle.

Nathan was beetroot red clutching a basket brimming with tampons as Scott reached to the top shelf to get the value savers monster pack, shouting triumphantly of his success. Oliver materialised so Nathan immediately thrust the basket into his arms.

“Here, you hold this.”

Oliver gibbered, pasty white. “Dad…counter…piles…showing…no…” Nathan looked horrified, just as his father shouted.

“Damn! I can’t remember if Jean said to buy tampons AND towels.”

“Sod this!” Nathan interjected, running to his dad, lifting the keys from his pockets. “We’re going to wait in the car!”

THE END