Fate worse than Death


"So, Ladies, what delights are we in store for tonight?" Rogue questioned as she flopped into a soft arm chair.

The X-Women were settling themseves in the media room one saturday evening. Each month, the media room was invaded by the women to have an evening of DVD entertainment where the male members of the X-Team were banished to the kitchen. Jean had previously threatened a fate worse than death should then interfere. Sitting uncomfortably on the hard, wooden kitchen chairs, the men attempted to play poker. The room was musty with cigarette and cigar smoke from Gambit and Wolverine; Beast and Scott just had to put up with it.

*

Back in the media room, Rogue broke into her Tequilla on the arm chair, and Storm and Jubilee sat on either end of the sofa. Jean was on her hands and knees in front of the media centre, rifling through a stack of DVDs Jubilee had rented from the local store.

"Look at these titles!" Jean smiled. "Private Dick? Military Bunk-Up? History Nails Itself? Jubilee I didn't think you had it in you."

"I was scared!" The younger X-Woman claimed. "I've never rented porn before. I just grabbed the whole of the top shelf, paid, and ran."

"Ah'll bet" Rogue muttered, and suddenly became fascinated by the rest of her Tequilla as Jubilee scowled in her direction. The DVD evening had gradually melted into the Women renting porn in order to laugh at the poor staging, unbelievable plot lines, and horrendous acting. It all stemmed when Rogue came down to the DVD night clutcing a variety of X-Rated DVDs. She had lost her silk green gloves and raided Gambit's room to see if she had left them in there. As she rummaged through his sock draw, she had come across several DVDs with and adult nature. Both shocked and amused, she had then scaled Wolverine, Scott and Beast's rooms and found a surprisingly large collection in total.It had been particularly amusing to see which DVD belonged to which. Gambit's tended to be the most filthy with as little plot as possible. Scott liked his dirty thrillers - with the odd daft plotline of a murder and a female detective ''interviewing'' suspects. Jean nearly choked on popcorn when they witnessed the ludicrous DVD, especially the part with the motorcycle. Wolverine distressingly enjoyed the more 'natural' porn, with a lot of naked frolicking in the woods. Beast was possibly the funniest, as Beast seemed the type too shy to even speak to a woman. It was abig shock to see his modest collection of DVDs contained a lot of categories, including a lot of lesbian scenes. By the second of his DVDs, the women were practically rolling on the floor laughing. Jubilee had managed to actually vomit, though Storm suspected that was partly due to the 'Rogue and Jean' alcoholic surprise she had been pryed with. Nonetheless, the female members couldn't look at Beast for weeks without crumpling into mass hysteria. Beast was genuinely hurt at the joke clearly on him.


*

"Pair of kings," Scott threw his cards down onto the table.

Beast looked forlorn "Two Two's"

"Flush," Wolverine growled, indicating to the five clubs he had.

"ROYAL flush," Gambit injected,showing the winning hand. Scott and Beast, who were level-losing, groaned as Gambit pulled the pile of chips towards himself. Wolverine wasn't far behind from the Cajun, but Gambit had a knack of winning at the last second. Scott had only £30 left worth of chips, as did Beast.

Gambit threw down £10 worth of chips as the bet, as Scott and Beast looked horrified. Stubbing out his cigarette in a saucer Jean had pointedly placed between Gambit and Wolverine as she had retrieved nearly all the spirits; the conversation shifted to the inevitable.

"What d'ya t'ink 'dem gals be watchin'?" Gambit tried to ask casually, but there was a hint of tension in his voice.

"Watchin' DVDs" Logan answered automatically, terrified that their conversation would be heard.

Scott coughed unnecessarily. "Who picked the DVDs? Not Jean I hope."

"Why?" Gambit asked, placing another bet.

"She has the knack of picking the most boring DVDs," Scott whispered, terrified his wife would hear. "I couldn't count the amount of times she's gone in a huff because I fell asleep during The Sound of Music."

At least I don't enjoy erotic thrillers! Jean's voice suddenly rang clear, and Scott turned a clear shade of maroon.

"Why d'ya turn so red, mon ami?" Gambit asked. It was then when Scott realised that his wife was speaking through their unique psychic connection. He decided not to tell his team members exactly what Jean had said, letting them assume that she had just told him off for calling her boring.

"So what does everyone have?" Beast changed the subject, hoping against hope that his three sevens would be enough to win. He was very wrong indeed.

*

The film was only ten minutes in and already the X-Women had dissolved into cascades of hysterical laughter. In this short space, the plot had been summed up - a desperate housewife in love with her gardener. The couple were currently frollicking au naturel in the garden, whilst the girls continued to choke and scream with laughter.

"Logan...would....enjoythis," Rogue gasped, causing Jean to laugh so hard she slipped off the sofa onto the floor. Jubilee, again, was looking sick with laughter, Ororo tactfully placing a bucket within grabbing distance. Suddenly pausing, Jean cocked her head slightly, as if listening. Rogue, Storm and Jubilee ceased and looked at her briefly. Her psychic bond with Scott, which she had left dormant, fizzled slightly as Scott began to feel anxious. She searched the kitchen with her mind, and smiled incredulously.

"Ladies," Jean muttered, "we've got company.

*

"Your stupid, your all stupid," Scott moaned, jogging along the corridor behind Gambit, Wolverine and Beast. It had been Logan and Gambit's idea to attempt to see what their wifes, girlfriends and collegues were up to. Scott, who had suffered the wrath of Jean many a time, was the only one against it. He had pleaded with Hank, who oddly sided with the Canadian and the Cajun. Beast secretly wanted to know what ccasued the laughter at his expense, so was keen to investigate.

"Stupid, mon ami? We not 'de ones followin' d' rest," Gambit hissed behind his back.

"I want to be there to tell them that I wanted nothing to do with it."

"Surely then, my friend," BEast interected, "You should stay in the kitchen?"

"Shut up, Beast."

Logan held up his hand to silence the two arguing behind him as they paused at the first floor corridor, where the West Wing media room was located. From inside, the television could be heard blasting.


*

"So we all know what to do?"

Storm, Jubilee and Jean nodded in agreement to Rogue. "Then, places, people."

The X-women attempted to stifle their giggling as they adopted their stances. Jubilee darted behind the full length curtain whilst Storm, Rogue and Jean sat stiffly in the sofa. Jean telekinatically dimmed the lights and switched off the television, leaving the three women sitting in shadows.

*

Outside the door, the men were stacked against the pine, pressing their ears closely against the door. You didn't need to be a telepath to hear the bumps, shoves and whispers pressed against the media room door. Scott and Gambit were whispering furiously at each other, claiming that one was squashing another. Beast sighed as Scott began to get foul mouthed, and Gambit's french cursing increased in vulgarity. Inside, the women were desperately trying to keep a straight face. Storm sent a gentle gust of wind towards the door, knocking the latch and the four men crashed in loudly.

"SHIT!" Beast exclaimed unexpectantly, triggering a snort from Jean. The men looked up, fearful, but couldn't see the women. Edging up, they glanced around fearfully.

Jean? Scott tried to contact his wife telepathically, hoping that she would spare him. She ignored him mentally, and kept physically still.

There was a gentle breeze around their ankles as the door clicked shut, and the men jerked warily as they were plunged into darkness.

"NOW!" There was a scream from the general direction of the sofa, and a series of crashes and curses. The light was flicked on by Jean and the scene was revealed. She was levitating Scott several feet from the ground and he flailed helplessly. Jubilee and Storm had asconded Beast and had him pinned to the wall. Rogue had managed to get Wolverine and Gambit flat on their faces, one knee on either of their backs, her gloved hand clutching a fistfull of their hair and pushing their faced hard into the carpeted floor. They twitched in pain, determined not to give Rogue an excuse to up their torture. Jean kept Scott held high in the air and slowly circuated the room as she ''observed'' their prey. She levitated Scott along with her, purposely allowing his head to hit various picture framed and lights.

"Well, well, well," she smirked. "Clearly my dire warning didn't get through to you."

Gambit and Wolverine whimpered in pain.

"What shall we do with them, Jeannie?" Rogue asked with a clear hint of delight in her voice.

"Hmm, Ororo?" Jean queastioned.

"Well, they'd better explain themselves."

Immediately, the men exploded in a chorus of futile excuses.

"Chere, Remy didn' know if you were alright, we heard dat Sinister was on his way to..."

"I could smell danger..."

"THe telephone rang in Jubilee's room, I merely thought that It might have been of grave importance, so myself and my fellows came to inform her that..."

"I didn't want to come in the first place, I TOLD them it was a bad idea, but would they listen to me?"

"Silence!" Jean demanded, and each X-Woman increased their clenches. Scott's neck was bent uncomfortably as his head was pushed further against the ceiling. Wolverine and Gambit had significantly more carpet crammed into their mouths, and Beast suffered an acute lightning shock. "My, my, you ARE disobedient boys aren't you?"

"Oh great, here it comes," Scott muttered, crossing his arms huffily.

"I think we'll have to teach you a lesson."

*


"Chere, please!" Gambit pleaded as his wife pushed him forwards insistantly. "We sorry, don't put us through dis torture!"

"Can it, Swamp Rat," Rogue smiled, pushing him forward again. "You shoulda thought of the consequences 'fore you did the deed."

"But Chere," Gambit attempted to change tactics, flashing Rogue a devillish grin. "Gambit will get on his hands and knees, BEG for his Chere to forgive him..."

"Gambit," Rogue chastised warningly.

"Gambit cook Rogue her favourite meals, clean her room, iron her clothes, sing her to sleep..." He smirked suggestively.

"Now that, Remy, really would be torture. Come on!"

With a final push, she managed to get him to the entrance of a particular shop in the mall. Gambit looked on in horror as Jean had already got Scott there. She had his forearm but he was gesticulating wildly.

"No, Jean, I'm being serious, this has gone beyond a joke. What if a student sees? I am the leader of the X-Men, Jean, I am respected by the students, what will they say when they see their role model in a place like this!"

"I think you're intentionally ignoring what the students really think of you, Scooter." Jean smirked at the popular nickname for Scott she and Rogue had heard outside of the staff room in the mansion by one of the younger students. Scott flushed bright red and changed the subject.

"I'm not doing it," He sniffed, folding his arms and looking away haughtily.

"I think you'll find, you ARE, Scott," Jean smirked, pointing to Rogue. She had removed her gloves and was wiggling her bare hands at the two men.

"One false move, and you'll be two sleepin' beauties," Rogue teased, causing a look of fear from Scott and Gambit. "And while you're out, Jean and I might have to perform some amateur surgery to convert you. Lets just say you'll be able to get into 'Ladies' Night' at Dazzler's club."

Scott looked worried, Gambit positively petrified as he cupped the pride of his life protectively. Scott tutted disgustedly, but secretly turned to do the same.

"So get your butts in there."

With a final shove, Gambit and 'Scooter' crossed the threshold of the dimly lit store: Eden's Erotics. They tried one more desperate looks to their wives over their sholders, who simply glared stonily at them. Sighing, they did as formerly instructed, and put each others' hands into their jeans pockets. Rogue and Jean burst out laughing at the sight, and Gambit shrivelled in embarrassment. Scott, maroon in embarrassment, held his head high and stared determinedly in front, refusing to glance at Jean or Rogue.

"Geez, Cyke, why'd you have t'be so goddam' determinedd?'' Gambit groaned as Scott led them to the customer services table, which happened to be at the frint window of the shop.

Outside, Jean gasped, eyes wide, before howling in laughter. She clutched Rogue as she shook violently in hysteria.

"What?" Rogue managed, dying ot hear what Jean had just clocked on to.

"They're...he..." Jean was doubled over, glutching Rogue's waist as she battled to stay on her feet. "Scott just thought...and Gambit...."

"What?" Rogue insisted, and Jean projected the thought she had just heard in her husband's head:

Wow, Gambit has rather taut buttocks. I never knew a man's behind could feel so appealing.

Rogue shrieked with laughter, and Jean projected Gambit's similar thought to Rogue telepathically:

So dey not jokin' when dey say Scotty has a good butt. Gambit t'ink dat the leader must do a lot of tight'nin' exercises for Jean.

The men had made their way towards the desk and a young woman greeted them with a raised eyebrow.

They're so hot, definately gay she thought, knowing that this was obvious due to the hand locations anyway. Scott approached, coughing uncomfortably.

"Ahem, I...er....I, John Smith, would like like...for the use with my partner Joe Bloggs...would...erm..."

"Yes?" The woman enquired, familiar with the embarrassment of new customers in the shop.

"We'd like....to...erm...oh my...."

Beads of sweat began forming on Scott's ruby visage, and Gambit, who desperately wanted to get out, blurted:

"Sex toys!"

The woman looked shocked at the outburst, and the two flushed deeper.

"What...kind of toys?" The woman asked after a pause. Scott anfd Gambit paused, attempting to remember the list their wives had previously created.

"Erm, two...female blonde wigs, a Naughty Detective outfit, multicoloured, spangly thongs, two bikinis, and a Lovers' Gift Box."

The woman, whilst incredulous, left her desk in search of these items. Minutes later, she had billed them and placed them all into a flamboyant 'Eden's Erotics' bag. Snatching it up, the men made a dash for the exit. They stopped in the doorway as they saw their wives, Jean with her arms crossed, Rogue hands on hips, scowling at their error. Wincing, they turned to face each other. In a loud voice, Gambit announced.

"I love you, darlin'."

"I, er. love you too sweetheart." Scott annouced vocally, and they moved in, giving eachother a loud kiss at the shop entrance. The entire store stared as they bolted out of the door to their hysterical wives.

"Yes, very funny," Scott bawled, storming past between the two, swinging his bag as he marched back to the car. Gambit clutched Rogue, mumbering insanely about ''Unclean, Gambit infected by man love."

*

Logan and Beast, who had been hiding in the Student common room for the past hour, watched Jubilee and the Weather Witch arrange scenery outside. They had pushed Gambit's Harley motorbike into the clearing of the nearby woods, and were setting up video cameras.

"I don't like this, Beast," Logan muttered, seeing the two crease up with laughter.

"My sentiments are similar, my friend." Beast muttered, knowing that when Jean and Rogue had returned from their ''mission'' the men would recieve their punishment for the previous night's blunder to interrupt their DVD evening. On queue, Jean's midnight blue Merceded Benz crawled up the gravel path to the entrance of the Mansion. Yelping, Logan and Hank dove onto the ground away from the window.

A student, who drew the short straw with his friends, approached their tutors. He was a water manipulator, and his hair was suitably a sea blue colour.

"Mr McCoy? Mr Logan? Why are you hiding in our common room?"

"Aqua," Beast tried to sound calm, but the hint of fear was clear in his voice. "What makes you think we're hiding?"

"The fact you've been up here for two hours and leapt to the floor at every sound.

Beast and Wolverine were suddenly seized by their shirts and hauled out of the wondow. THey looked up as they saw Rogue was flying them out of the window and toward's the set.

"Rogue?" Wolverine whined. ''How did you know we were there?''

"Storm has known for the past two hours, Sugar."

"Figures." He moaned as she set them down beside Scott and Gambit.

"Well, Gentlemen, herein lies your punishment," Jean smiled as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. "If you'd like to join your spouses, Storm, we all know you and Logan have been going out on friday nights and you fancy each other to death so you can go with him, and Beast, please follow Jubilee. Ladies, use pile one please. That means Beast, Wolverine, you'll be blindfolded for the present."

Storm and Jubilee went in opposite directions to the vast lawn towards the mansion. Rogue and Jean pulled Gambit and Scott respectively away from each other.

"Jean!" Scott pleased as his wife began pulling his shirt away and fasten ''pile one'' across his chest. "Jean, I love you, please."

"Scott, you should have known not to cross the X-Women, you're going to get your punishment."

Several feat away, Rogue was equipping Gambit with ''pile one'' as he tried a different tactic.

"You know, Chere, Gambit very self conscious of his body."

"Oh, please, Gambit, you're a complete exhibitionist. You go down to breakfast straight from the shower sometimes."

Gambit knew he was pursuing the wrong route, so diverged again. "Gambit t'ink dat Roguey just wants t'get her hands on Gambit's naked booty."

"Dream on, Gambit."

"Its ok, Chere, we be married."

"Thats not the point."

"Oh, Gambit knows, de point is dat Gambit is willing to slip off wit' you Chere, make our own entertainment." He winked, but she merely pulled a strap tighter.

"ITs tempting," she said sarcastically. "But I'd much rather do this."

*

An hour later, Beast, Gambit, Wolverine and Scott had been thoroughly humiliated. Tramping dejectedly up the lawn, there were several squeals of delight from the students as they saw thier appearance. They simply walked on to their rooms, too humiliated for words. Xavier watched from his Office window. He projected a loud, clear thought into each of the X-Womens' heads.

Oh, you lot really are BAD.


*



The X-Women spent the next evening in the media room, in their pyjamas, poporn and Tequilla at the ready, howling at their new ''porno'' films. They had two in total: Hot Girlfriends and Saucy Liasons. They began with the first.

The opening scene was of two ''women,'' one with claws and one blue and furry. They were both in spangly bikinis, 'enjoying' each others' company. Que a lot of naked frolicking in the woods. The second film was far more huliliating. A sexy young detective, blonde Scotia Summers was on the trail of dirty motorbike stud Robbie LeBeau. After a steamy (yet thankfully staged) scene on a motorbike, Scotia asked her mischievious friend, also blonde, Gambelda on the hunt for this sexy stud's collegues, Logam and Henk. Gambelda remarkably resembled a bloke in drag, with two balloons stuffed in his bikini and bright red lipstick all up his face. The stubble only added to the hilarity. Scotia, who was equally suspicious, tended to permanently wear a pair of ruby sunglasses. Both wore matching thongs as they encountered some devious, remarkably hairy men clutching body chocolates. There was a particularly amusing scene where Gambelda was forced to lick body chocolate from Logam's chest, as Scotia had with Henk. It was particularly amusing to see Scotia gagging with hairballs, as he and Gambelda started to cry in humiliation. The film ended with close ups of four thonged backsides as the credits rolled past. The film ended with a caption -


Future warning to you men who would dare to interrupt the X-Women's DVD night. Don't mess with us, laddies!

*


Down in the kitchen, the men sat silent, red-faced, playing poker. Nobody dared let their minds wander to the media room.

"Alright," Scott muttered uncomfortably. "I've got four Jokers."