Tell me what you think, Yisroell wrote a poem

[yisroell]

A little background, I'm writing this about a gorgeous girl I met over the summer. She lives in Belfast and we try to keep in touch. Also, we've just finished Dickinson in our class, so I tried to use her 8-6-8-6. Yes a Jew using "Amazing Grace," but I do like the tune. One more thing, no Owen, either the entrepeneur or the lawyer; I could not become a writer because I prefer discussion to self-expression.

It's a three-part poem, two stanzas each, and I've been told it's supposed to sound silly, so bear with me:

Beginning, but needs a title (I may just put them all together, but they seem to be different ideas, so I thought of leaving them apart)

The moon and sun still cycle through,
Since you, I first did see.
And highlight ev'ry single hue
By this divisive sea.

What lies across on distant shore?
Mayhap it is for me.
Resting in that mystic port,
The angel that is she.

Middle and needs a title (This one I feel could be better)

She is not one for faint or bold,
There's so much more. You see
One must be of matching soul,
Which I sure hope to be.

Her smile shows the warmth of heart
Only angels could retain.
Her entrance causes eyes to dart
- More stunning than Etain. (She's Irish, so I felt inspired to read some Irish mythology and wanted to use some of it)

End, which definitely needs a title

One thought still lingers 'pon my mind:
"How could she fall for me?"
The commoner for rarest find,
Who's worth all gallantry.

No stretch of land or faraway shore
Shall harm my love for thee.
but please, my dearest, do endure;
Together, soon we'll be.

I'm expecting some unneeded, but apparently cathartic commentary from Owen personally, but I would like some opinions and criticisms (not criticism for criticism's sake, just commentary on what you like and don't like). What's sad is that it's coming from a heart divided, so I'm not sure what to do? The end result is picking one or having one or none picked for you. If someone feels up to this Cicerean task, I would like that commentary too.

I'll check back in one week. (After the AP, which is COMING UP, MAY 9TH. YOU SHOULD BE READING THE BOOK, 15 MINUTES, EEEEVVVERY NIGHT. C'MON, THIS IS D-DAY GENTLEMAN; YOU'RE GONNA BE DEMOLISHED - love Coach Bright [insert Charlie's "Ah Jeez" in there and you've made art])

[utract]

Hmm... I don't know why your so worried about titles. Juts number them 1, 2 and 3... or whatever... I disapprove of titles unless you really see a need to have one. If you d you'll have to think of it, but I wouldn't fuss too much.

I liked the first one, though I find the idea of Belfast being described as a 'mystic port' slightly humorous... But it still works, because from your view, I suppose it it.

Of the second one, I thought the second stanza was good - I the mythological reference very appropriate (I had to look it up, but it works, and the meaning is obvious regardless - I am just anal about things like that). The first stanza I wasn't so keen on... It seems that in the first poem you use a slightly archaic formal writing style... The first stanza of the second poem doesn't really follow on from that. The contrast I guess makes it seem overly informal in someways... Especially with 'I sure hope'. The other thing is the second line 'There's so much more. You see'. I think it would read better if you had it as 'There's so much more, you see.' and changed the comma at the ed of the first line to a semi colon (or just got rid of it...). I just think with the full stop halfway through the second line it kind of emphasizes the informality of 'there's' rather than 'there is' (though I know your using there's to make it fit into the metre) - it just creates another point that doesn't really follow from the first poem... also, in the second stanza you revert to the previous style, albeit in a slightly softened way.

I don't have much to say about the last one... Other than its a bit corny. And this doesn't scan: 'The commoner for rarest find,/Who's worth all gallantry.' - perhaps you meant 'far rarer' rather than 'for rarest'.

Its okay I guess, though not really my cup of tea. I don't really care for rhyme or metre, and prefer a freer much less formal style.

One thing I will say is its betTer to make your own decision and follow it through that to wait around for something else to decide for you; even if your decision is the wrong one.

[yisroell]

I know that I said a week, but I always try to reply as quickly as possible. Should've remembered that Utract is on every day, basically.

You're probably right about the title; I just couldn't think of how to either link them or clearly delineate. I'll probably break them up as different poems, although I'm still thinking about linking them. You're right, if I do then I'll have to fix the tones to fit and make 3 less corny.

The second part: With the 'you see,' that's just a typo; it was meant to be a comma and you're also right about the second line; it should be a semi-colon. I do like the 'there's' though because, if you sing it to "Amazing Grace," it feels like it fits.

I wasn't sure about the third one's, first stanza's, last line was conjugating find or commoner. I think it needs to be edited to be made clear. But I'll keep it corny just because I think she secretly likes it.

I wrote this probably two days ago, so I'm still editing, but I think I'll finish it in an hour.

What's strange is I don't know why I posted this. I think it was on a whim, but I'm surprised U-tract. You've definitely matured; I can tell where the Uni education is paying off.

[yisroell]

I'll rewrite it here. For those looking at the last post, it's 8-6-8-6 meter/metre and it's to the tune of "Amazing Grace." Here's the updated version:

The moon and sun still cycle through,
Since you, I first did see.
And highlight ev'ry single hue
By this divisive sea.

What lies across on distant shore?
Mayhap it is for me.
Resting in that mystic port, (whether you think Belfast is mystic or not; I've never been so I based it on some photos of belfast lough)
The angel that is she.

--------------------------------------

Now she's not one for faint or bold;
There's so much more, you see
One must be of matching soul,
Which I sure hope to be.

Her smile shows the warmth of heart
Only angels could retain.
Her entrance causes eyes to dart
- More stunning than Etain.

--------------------------------------

One thought still lingers 'pon my mind:
"How could she fall for me?"
None rarer could I ever find, (decided to not belittle myself and make the topic clearer)
Who's worth such gallantry.

No stretch of land or faraway shore
Shall harm my love for thee.
but please, my dearest, do endure;
Together, soon we'll be.

The only reason that I like to add titles is that it sort of adds to the poem; gives it a tone. I'll think on it, but, for now, it can stand without a title.

[utract]

I like that a lot better. With the second line of the first stanza in the second poem changed the tone doesn't matter so much - especially if you plan on keeping them as separate poems. Maybe display them separately, but present them together, as three different examples of differing thought processes.

The 'Mystic port' thing really isn't a problem. Mystic is perhaps not a word I'd use to describe belfast (though I too have never seen it), but its more about your impression of the city from far, than anything else... And it has a certain innocence which I guess is fitting.

I still don't get why you think I've matured... I've royally fucked up my first year of uni (spent most of the time drunk) so nothing has really changed. I think its more that I just see this place differently... Its no longer a playground, and more a bit of nostalgia I like to keep in touch with.

Anyway, I wish you luck with keeping in touch with this girl. It can be done. I till talk to a girl I met in japan nearly 3 years ago, so... That said, I wouldn't expect anything to come from it - but its nice to have a fried with a separated outlook on things, you can discuss things you wouldn't want to with people who are closer to home.

[yisroell]

Thanks. I think she's on break, so she might check her e-mail.

It might be the nostalgia, but it definitely seems like you've got a more matured tone. Not that you can really be sure of tones on here, but it seems more lke how an adult would write (and half of them are pissed half the time anyway).

[utract]

I maintain I am no more mature than before. I just have different outlets for it. Besides, there is current;y little discussion here that really merits any kind of immature response.

What did you think I would write anyway? "hahahahah yis fancies someone!"?