This is the first story that I have ever posted. Please read and enjoy.
BTW: Daria was created by Glenn Eichler and is © and ™ of MTV, Viacom, Paramount, or whoever currently owns it. Star Wars was created by George Lucas and is property of Lucasfilm, Ltd. I own nothing. Suing will get you nowhere. Besides, if I was getting paid to write, I would be writing better stuff.

And now, on with the show...


Chapter One: “It gets better after this, I promise” –George Lucas

(The screen is black, these blue word fade in.)
A long time ago in a galaxy…uh, you know the rest.
(The “Theme from Star Wars” by John Williams begins the words DARIA WARS appear and move to the background into space. Words start to scroll upwards)
Episode I:
The Lawndale Menace

The Galactic Republic is in a
period of civil unrest. The athletic
LAWNDALE FEDERATION
has imposed a blockade on the
planet of Naboo. While the SENATE
debate the ethics of this move, Supreme
Chancellor Landon has dispatched two
Jedi Knights, protectors of peace,
knowledge, and sarcasm in the galaxy…

(Camera pans down and a red ship flies through space. The ship approaches several donut shaped ships around the planet Naboo.)

(Cut to interior of ship’s bridge where the Captain and Pilot are running the ship, and two robed individuals stand behind them. The taller of the two speak)

AMY-GON: Captain, inform the Federation of our intention to land.

CAPTAIN: Yes, sir.

(The Captain turns to the transmitter and hails the Lawndale Federation Viceroy Kevin Gunray)

CAPTAIN: The Ambassadors of the Chancellor would like to board in order to commence negotiations.

VICEROY KEVIN: Sure, you may board. But I will assure that our blockade is like legal and stuff.

(The Ambassador ship lands in the docking bay of the main Federation ship. All around the bay are several of the Federation’s battle droids; they are built rather simply, no real armor at all. They wear cheerleader outfits)

(The two knights exit the ship, and they are met up by a silver plated protocol droid)

TC-14: Greetings, I am TC-14. Welcome to the Lawndale Federation Flagship. I will escort you to the main conference room.

(In the conference room, the two Knights remove their hoods, revealing the knights to be Amy-Gon Jinn and Dari-Wan Kenobi. TC-14 moves to close the door.)
TC-14: My masters will be with you shortly.

(After TC-14 leaves, Amy-Gon and Dari-Wan sit down and get comfortable at the table.)

DARI-WAN: I have a bad feeling about this.

AMY-GON: Oh, I hate it when people say that.

DARI-WAN: Why?

AMY-GON: Because it always means that something bad, or at least very stunningly theatrical, is about to happen. And I would rather have a routine mission.

DARI-WAN: You mean like the one where we had to take on Gozer in the form of a Giant Slor.

AMY-GON: Yeah, actually. Besides, these Federation types are all the same, cowardly. That’s why Viceroy Kevin always wears the pads. We just flex a little diplomatic muscle, and he’ll cave. The negotiations will be short.

(Meanwhile, on the control deck of the Federation Ship, Viceroy Kevin and his lackeys Robert Dofine and Brittany Haako have just gotten a report from Manson-14)

ROBERT: Jedi Knights here. Oh, man.

KEVIN: Quiet. (To another LF person) Show me the chicks.

LF DUDE: Patching in Security Camera 12.

(An image of Amy-Gon and Dari-Wan appear on the main viewer. Over the monitors, they hear)

DARI-WAN: (over speaker) Mistress Amy-Gon, how long will they make us wait here. I’m going to miss Sick, Sad Galaxy.

AMY-GON: (over speaker) I know. I sense an awful lot of fear for a mere dispute.

ROBERT: Great, they’re gonna totally tell us to leave.

KEVIN: No they won’t. Distract them, I will contact Darth Li.

ROBERT: Are you brain-dead? I’m not going down there with those two.

KEVIN: Hey, man, I’m the QB, you’ll make the play.

ROBERT: Dude, we’re not on the field.

KEVIN: Whatever, dude, send the droid.

(TC-14 walks away. Kevin, Brittany and Robert walk over to the transmission area.)

KEVIN: Call her up, man.

ANOTHER LF LACKEY: Yes, Viceroy.

(After a few moments of waiting, a hologram appears. Darth Li wears a black body length robe.)

LI: What is it, Viceroy?

(Robert rushes up to the hologram, scared)

ROBERT: Your plans have failed, ma’am. We can’t go against these chicks.

LI: Viceroy, get this over-steroid-ed jock out of my sight.

(Robert, unsure of himself, leaves in a huff)

LI: Viceroy, we must speed up our plans. Begin landing your pep squads.

KEVIN: Look, Lady, is that legal? I don’t wanna get a penalty, y’know.

LI: I will make it legal.

KEVIN: And the two chicks?

LI: Chancellor Landon shouldn’t have brought them into this. Kill them.

(The hologram disappears. Kevin turns to another lackey.)

KEVIN: Kill the Brains. Destroy their ship. Start the landing. I’M THE QB!

(Meanwhile back in the conference room, Amy-Gon and Dari-Wan are still sitting, but Dari-Wan is now reading a book and Amy-Gon seems to be nodding off. Suddenly, the ground shutters violently and Dari-Wan falls out of her chair)

DARI-WAN: What happened?

AMY-GON: (suddenly alert) That was probably our ship being destroyed.

DARI-WAN: (deadpan) Oh no, I had my summer wardrobe on that ship.

AMY-GON: I don’t think there’s going to be any negotiations.

DARI-WAN: I told you I had a bad feeling about this.

AMY-GON: Oh, shut up, young padawan.

DARI-WAN: What do you think the Viceroy is going to do now?

AMY-GON: Well, they’ve has already destroyed our ship. He’ll probably next try to gas us to death, but we’ll hold our breaths. Then he’ll send in the cheer droids to finish us off. Then, after we’ve dispatched the cheer droids, we’ll make for the control deck, where the Viceroy and his lackeys will likely surrender.

(The doors to the room open. In walk several large droids built like football players)

AMY-GON: Or he can just jump to the Jock-droids.

(Amy-Gon and Dari-Wan pull out their lightsabers and start fighting the Jock-droids)

(Cut back to the bridge where Kevin, Brittany, and Robert watch the fighting)

BRITTANY: I told you they would be no match for the Jocks!

ROBERT: YEAH! Take that!

(A LF Lackey walks up to Kevin)

LF LACKEY: Viceroy, we’re receiving a message from the surface.

KEVIN: On screen.

(The viewscreen switches from the Knights fighting Jocks to an image of the fourteen year-old Queen Jane Amidala of Naboo.)

BRITTANY: It’s Queen Amidala.

KEVIN: Dude, she’s hot!

(Brittany hits him on the back of the head)

KEVIN: Oww! Babe, why’d you do that?

JANE: (sarcastic) I have no time for pleasantries, Viceroy. The Chancellor has informed that his Ambassadors are with you now. The blockade is over.

KEVIN: (chuckles) I don’t know anything about these “Ambassadors”. You, like, ass-ume a lot

JANE: (Frowning) Be careful, the Federation has too far.

(The image disappears. The view comes back to the conference room, the Knights are gone and the Jocks have been destroyed.)

KEVIN: Where are they?

BRITTANY: I don’t know!

ROBERT: Seal off all major areas.

BRITTANY: We have to hurry; the Queen may suspect an attack.

KEVIN: Cut their calls, man.

(Cut to the Theed Palace on Naboo. Queen Jane Amidala sits in her throne. Several official looking people, including Governor Max Bibble, sit in chairs around the court. Captain Trent Panaka stands at the side of the throne. Several handmaidens stand behind the throne. In the middle of the room, Senator Angela Palpatine stands as a hologram.)

PALPATINE: What do you mean the ambassadors haven’t arrived? Chancellor Landon said that he sent them. I have his……ances…………did arrive…………… (The hologram disappears)

JANE: They’ve cut our communications.

MAX: A communications disruption can mean only one thing, invasion.

TRENT: She’s right, Your Highness. The Federation must be landing as we speak.

JANE: No. I can’t believe that Kevin would stoop to invading our planet.

MAX: The Senate would probably revoke their trade licenses.

TRENT: Your Highness, we must act quickly. If the Federation is attacking, we must get you to safety. Our security volunteers are no match for their pep squads.

JANE: I won’t condone a course of action that will lead us to war. Surrender the planet.

MAX: SURRENDER!?! WE’RE CRIMINALES, WE DON’T SURRENDER!

EVERYONE ELSE: SHUT UP, MAX!!!

NARRATOR: This is the end of part one. Will Kevin and Darth Li win? Will the Queen really surrender? Where are Amy-Gon and Dari-Wan? Tune in next time, same bat-time, same bat-channel….



(Send me you thoughts and comments, I'll even accept flames, but beware, if you wanna play with fire, I will burn you down. )