I can feel it coming., The time leading up to Sam's leaving.

[aislinn]

I hope this is the right place for this. I think it is, but ever since Dark Side of the Moon and what Dean seem to imply to Sam about what happened when John had found he had run away, this story had begun crashing around in my head and it paints John in a fairly (or unfairly) abusive light, which has me thinking it might be A/U. So unless I'm otherwise notified I'm going to post it here.


The setting, late spring, sun gave one last warm caress over the face of the young man who sat on a battered plastic lawn chair that the landlord had placed on the balcony that ran along the front of the apartment complexes’ second level. He sat with the chair tilted so it rested on its back legs with his feet propped up on the balcony’s railing with the top of the chair touching the wall behind, helping to keep him from falling over. His eyes were closed and a small smile graced his lips.

He loved this time of day. The time just before twilight, when the world seemed to hold its breath and for a moment everything seemed to stop in anticipation of what was coming next. He loved the peacefulness and the way it made him feel as if the world held some hope after all.

For him, moments like these were few and far between. He had grown up in a world not to many knew of. His was a world in which late spring suns didn’t give warm caresses or peace didn’t offer any hope. His world was one of darkness and mostly void of hope. In his world what most would consider creatures of fairy tales and horror stories were actually creatures of reality. In his world he was called a hunter, for that was what he did; he hunted down and destroyed the creatures of other people’s nightmares.

It wasn’t the life he would have chosen for himself, but then again he hadn't been asked; having been thrust into this life at the age of four by the violent death of his mother. The young man had been stripped of his childhood innocence and forced to don the never ending awareness that something always lie lurking in the shadows, waiting to devour any who crossed its path.

He hadn’t told anyone what he had seen that night, he couldn’t. He remembered every sound, every smell and his skin crawled as the vision of his mother plastered to his baby brother’s ceiling, stomach cut open, blood dripping from her as the fire consumed her and his baby brother’s nursery flooded his consciousness driving the peace from his pre-twilight respite.

His nose scrunched up as the smell of her burning flesh assaulted his senses and he felt his own stomach roil as it threatened to release the contents of his supper onto the balcony where he sat. He hadn’t had time that night to really digest what had happened; to fully appreciate the sight, smell and sound of the fire. Before he could, his father was standing over him shoving his brother into his arms shouting for him to run and not to look back.

The shock that set in afterward had rendered him speechless for a short time, and by the time he could talk his father was to far gone, lost in his own sorrow, that he didn’t want to talk to his oldest about what had happened; so he had learn to internalize it and everything that came after.

This led to his inability to effectively communicate to those around him what he needed. He had grown up with the belief that his main purpose in life was to take care of his father and his younger brother, that his own wants and needs were secondary and of little importance. This was drilled into him day after day as he followed his father around the country, as a foot soldier in his dad’s own private war against anything and everything that held even the smallest bit of evil. His father’s voice, incessantly barking, in his head reminding him to, ‘Look after Sammy. Keep Sammy safe,’ and the punishments that would follow if he failed on any level.

The door to the apartment he shared with his dad and brother, slammed shut rousing him from his recollections. He slowly opened his green eyes. He pulled his feet from the railing and sat the chair back on all four of its legs. Sighing he looked at his brother, wondering what this latest bit of drama was all about.

Sam stood by the door his arms crossed over his chest. His mouth pinched as if he had sucked on a lemon, his brows pulled down and his nostrils flared; he was really pissed off. ‘Oh this isn’t good,’ the older of the two thought.

“Of all the most pig headed, stupid, idiotic….,” Sam mumbled, “I swear I am so leaving here as soon as I can. Ugh, I can’t take him anymore.” Sam paused when he noticed he wasn’t alone. Looking at his brother, his pout deepened and his voice went from sounding strong with righteous indignation to high pitched and whiney. “You know what he’s doing now? Do you? You won’t believe this. I swear you won’t.”

Sam paused for dramatic effect then huffed out, “He cancelled my trip to the beach with the rest of the graduating class. He even told me that I couldn’t go to the Prom. The Prom, Dean! I asked Allison to go with me, you know that girl I have been interested in ever since we moved here, that Allison. Well, I asked and she said yes. And, well Mr. Killjoy in there goes and tells me that I can’t go because he has lined up a hunt for that night.”

Sam kicked the side of the railing then spun around and leant up against it, his hazel eyes blazing, “That man is impossible. He doesn’t need me on this hunt, he has you. Why is it so hard for him to understand that I don’t want to do this? Why can’t he accept that I have other plans for my life? I mean this is fine for you. You enjoy it, hell you’re good at it, but me, I hate it. I want out. Just last year we almost lost you for good. I’m tired of hunts going wrong and the never ending fear of having to watch someone I care about die, or even dying myself. This is his war. NOT MINE! He never asked if I wanted to ride along, he just dragged me. Well he can’t make me stay. I won’t. By this time next year I won’t have to worry about him anymore.”

Dean waited patiently as he let his little brother ride out his tirade, he knew it wouldn’t do any good to try and talk to him while he was so riled up. When he felt that Sam had vented enough he spoke to him in a calm and low voice, “Sam, you know how he is. He sets his mind, it stays set. He says he needs you, he needs you. Did you even ask him what the hunt is? Did you ask him why he needed you? Did you try to understand where he was coming from,” Dean folded his arms across his chest, tilted his head and gave Sam a crooked grin, “Or, did you just go off on him without giving him a chance?”

“Figures, you’d take his side. You’re just like him you know. You both have your heads shoved so far up your…..” Sam huffed out before he was cut off.

“I wouldn’t finish that if I were you,” Dean warned. He rubbed his temples; he felt a headache coming on. “I know you think that he’s a hard nosed son of a bitch, and guess what; I agree. But, c’mon Sammy be fair, it’s not like he wanted this either,” Dean’s voice got softer and took on a far away feel, “You don’t know what that night was like. You don’t remember how it was before. It hasn’t been easy for him, you know. He has had to fight to keep us together. He constantly skates on the edge and he’s terrified that he’ll go over and that he won’t be here to protect us.”

Sam gave a humorless laugh, “It hasn’t been easy for him? What about us? Dean, we’ve spent our lives moving from one rat infested sh!t hole to the next. We were pulled out of school so much that you just dropped out and he let you. He didn’t even care enough to make you finish school. Nope, he got what he wanted from you. He got your undivided attention and focus on this crusade of his. Besides, how would I know? I was six months old and it’s not like either of you has ever sat down and really told me about it. And, it’s not like he really cares. Who’s here to protect us from him? Huh, Dean? Who protects us from him?”

Dean fixed Sam with a hard stare. He knew what he was talking about but he didn’t want to think about it. Shaking his head he spoke once again, “Alright Sam let me see what I can do. I’m not going to make you any promises, but I’ll try. I heard Caleb was in the area, maybe I can get dad to see if he can help out that night. Why don’t you take a walk over to the convenient store just down the street? Get a soda or something. You know cool off before you go back in. Give me some time to talk to him.”

“Thanks, Dean,” Sam said then headed to the stairs that lead from the second level of the apartment building down to it’s parking lot.

Dean watched Sam as he headed out of the apartment’s parking lot and towards the little store. “You’re welcome,” he said out loud to himself, “anything to get you out of this life little brother.” Straightening his shoulders he placed his hand on the doorknob of the tiny apartment. ‘Well here goes nothing,’ he thought. ‘I hope dad’s not to pissed off,’ his body gave an involuntary shudder at the thought of what would happen if he was.

[scorpio1311]

Nice start Aislinn. I can see this is going to be a different feel from your previous stories. Looking forward to the next installment.

Alessandra

[adder574]

Great start. I'm looking forward to more.

[aislinn]

Scorpio, my dear, thank you your comments are always appreciated. *hugs* to you and thank you for your continued support. Hope to see you around HQ someday, if time ever allows. *glares at father time trying to scare him into giving you the time* We'll see if it works.

Adder574, thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I honestly hope that I don't disappoint.

Ok here's a little more.

John stood in stunned silence as his youngest stormed out of the apartment he shared with both his boys. He understood why Sam was upset and hell he couldn’t blame him, but that kind of behavior was inexcusable. He had thought about chasing right after his youngest, but at the last second decided not to. He realized that he was angry enough to do something they both would regret later. Besides, Dean was right outside the door and he would talk some sense into his brother; he always did.

John sat on the couch that had been positioned along the back wall of the main living room in the latest in the collection of run down apartments his little family had occupied in the eighteen years since his precious Mary had been taken from him. He took a long drink from the bottle of whiskey he had been drinking from for the better of that day. His eyes burned with unbidden tears. Mary had been his world, his rock. She had been the support he needed to be the kind of father his son’s would need Under her careful guidance and constant love he had no doubt that he would have been the contender for father of the year award for the rest of his life.

But, she was gone; his support had been lost. Now he knew the truth about what was out there and had discovered that his boys, especially his youngest, were marked for something and that something wasn’t good. The more he learned, the more his blood ran cold; the more he feared. Had he made mistakes in their upbringing? Of course he had. Where there things he would have done differently? Of course there were; if there had been any possible way to do so.

Sure, he would have preferred to have his boys grow up in the perfect white picket fence, Leave it to Beaver kind of way; you know with the mom who stayed at home and the dad who worked. The kind of life where their biggest worry was if they were going to get to ball practice on time, or what kind of pizza should the team have after they won the championship game. But, that life was taken away from them the same night their mother was.

He had learned too much about what was really out there and had made it his mission in life to track down the monster that had ripped his family apart and end it before it could do that another family. He decided that along the way he would take out any other evil son of a bitch that he crossed paths with. He felt a calling and he wasn’t going to ignore it. He couldn’t turn his back on the truth, he had to face it.

John had thought about giving his boys to some family friends to raise but he couldn’t bare the thought of losing them as well. He felt guilty at times that he had raised them the way he had, but he believed deep down there wasn’t any other way. He knew beyond a shadow of doubt that his boys weren’t safe anywhere else but with him. He had to train them, get them ready. He felt it, knew it, something was after his boys and it would have to go through him to get them.

Shaking his head, he slammed the bottle down on the coffee table. His dark eyes flashed and he clenched his hands into tight fists. He couldn’t believe what an ungrateful, selfish, snot nosed little bastard Sam had turned out to be. His anger grew as he thought of all he had done for his sons over the last eighteen years. He had provided a place for them to live, food to eat and most importantly he had taught them how to survive.

He heard the door open and looked up in time to see his oldest walk in and close the door behind him. He watched as the boy stood, shuffling his weight from one foot to the other. It would have been funny; his twenty-two year old looking all of three, if he didn’t know what was coming next.

Inwardly he groaned, Sam did it again, he got to him. John’s dark eyes locked onto his son’s green eyes and he spoke low, not calmly like Dean had with Sam, but dangerously, “Dean, not now. My mind’s made up. We need Sam. You know it, I know it. This is a three person hunt. It’s not just one wolf out there, there’s at least two, maybe more. We need Sam. I know he’s disappointed, but life is full of disappointments.”

Dean swallowed, his dad was that pissed off. He thought of nodding and then heading back out to wait for Sam, but he had promised Sam he would try and he wasn’t going to let him down. Dean nervously cleared his throat before he addressed his father. When he spoke his voice was submissive, “Yes, sir. But, I heard that Caleb was in the area and thought maybe we could call him and see if he’s available. I mean, Sam’s still pretty inexperienced when it comes to werewolves and I don’t know, I think it might be better to have Caleb go along if he’s available.”

“Oh, you do, do you,” John mockingly replied. “You know you might be onto something here. It would be better to have four than three. And as you mentioned, Sam’s still pretty inexperienced.”

John watched his son, a smirk growing on his face. “Yeah, I like it. That way I can stay with Sammy and you could stay with Caleb.”

“No, dad, that’s not what I meant,” Dean started than faltered as John stood up from the couch, “What I meant was we could take Caleb along and leave Sam here, where he’d be safe. His mind wouldn’t be on the hunt anyway and we both know it. It’d be better for everyone if he stayed behind.”

John took a step towards Dean causing the younger man to shrink back against the wall. John felt the anger and frustration grow and this time, unlike he just had with Sam, he didn’t try to stop it. He walked over to his son and grabbed him by the front of his shirt.

“Oh, you do, do you? What do you think I am? You really think I’m that stupid? I know what you’re trying to do. You want me to agree to leave Sam here so he can take that girl to the dance then go to the beach after with their friends. Well, not gonna happen. Sam’s going and that’s that,” John said as he slammed his son into the wall.

John’s cell phone rang and he let go of the boy’s shirt with one hand so he could answer it. John placed his free hand on Dean’s chest, effectively holding the boy in place with very little effort. Dean watched as his dad’s face reddened and his jaw clenched. He could tell by the look his dad was giving him that a shove against the wall wasn’t all he was going to get out of this.

“Caleb,” John said his voice eerily void of any of the anger he was feeling, “Yeah, you heard right. Yeah, that’d be great. Uh, huh, yep always appreciate an extra set of hands. Sure, no problem. We won’t be leaving for a few days. Good, guess we’ll see you then. No, no problem at all. I’m sure Dean won’t mind you using his bed for a night. No, its fine, he usually falls asleep on the couch anyways. Yep, sure, me too. Ok see you then.”

John slowly closed his phone. He turned a cool gaze upon his oldest and when he spoke the tenor of his voice sent chills through the young man’s body. Dean swallowed, he knew he was in for it, he could feel it. How did Caleb know? He hadn’t called him, yet, he knew better. He closed his eyes, Sam. Sam had called. Dammit Sammy, I told you I would handle this. He felt his father’s weight shift, pushing him further into the wall; he felt his hot breath in his ear and he prayed for it to be over before Sammy returned from the store.

John’s anger had turned to full blown rage and his voice conveyed as much, “Well I guess you get your way. Whose idea was it to call Caleb and tell him that Sammy wasn’t going because I had promised him he could stay behind and go out? Whose idea was it? Was it yours or was it his? Cause I gotta tell ya if it was your idea that brother of yours has no idea how lucky he is to have you for his brother. You’re willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy, it’s to bad he doesn’t really appreciate it.”

Dean felt the air leave his lungs and his knees go weak mere seconds after his dad landed the first punch to his stomach. His pain filled grunt reached his ears only a few seconds later, to be followed quickly by tears building in the corners of his eyes. ‘Don’t cry,’ he thought, ‘please don’t; it’ll only make it worse.’

John pulled his arm back and let lose with two more quick jabs to his mid-section. He removed his other arm from across Dean’s chest and coldly watched as he fell to his knees, his arms wrapped around his stomach. The younger man’s body shook as he coughed and he placed one hand on the floor in front of him for support.

“It’s your fault, you know that don’t you,” John asked as he circled around his son, “You and your insisting that he be kept in the dark about what was out there. You and your wanting him to have a childhood, to hold onto that innocence of his until it was no longer possible.”

John stopped in front of the boy. “Look at me when I talk to you,” he ordered harshly and nodded when Dean raised his head and looked up at him. “That’s better,” John said his voice deceptively calm, “Oh, you’re not the only one to blame here. No, you see, I understand that I shoulder some of the responsibility as well; after all I did listen to you. I went along with you, and I see the error of my ways. I should have been with him like I was with you, from the very beginning. I shouldn’t have allowed you to influence my decisions when it came to Sam. You were and still are only a child.”

John hit Dean along the cheek bone with an open handed slap that was strong enough to flip him over onto his back. He straddled the stunned kid, placing his knees on the floor on either side of him. He reached out grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled his head up off the floor. John’s voice had once again gone dangerously cold, “Now, here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to get up, go to your room, get the keys to your car and wait for me to leave with Sam before you head out. You’re going to go to the local dive in town and stay for a few hours. When you get back and Sam asks you about your face, you’ll tell him that you got caught hustling the wrong guy. Are you clear on that, boy?”

John slammed Dean back onto the floor then lifted him again when he hadn’t answered him fast enough, “I said are you clear on that?”

“Y-yes sir,” Dean stuttered out. John let go of his shirt and stood up. Dean rolled over pushed himself up and staggered to his room. He felt the tears as they threatened to break lose and this time he didn’t stop them.

He made his way to his room and then to the small bathroom that he shared with Sam. Looking into the mirror he could already make out the red mark that would, by the next morning, turn into a rather nasty looking bruise on the left side of his face. He turned on the cold water, cupped his hands beneath the cool liquid and splashed some onto his face.

“He didn’t mean it,” he said to his reflection, “He’s drunk and I should have known better than to have pushed him. If, I would have just let things be, none if it would have happened. He didn’t mean it.” Turning off the water he reached for the towel and patted his face dry, wincing as the towel came into contact with his abused face.

He grabbed his keys from the nightstand, which stood between his and Sam’s beds, his coat from the hook on the back of the door and waited as he had been instructed to. He couldn’t let Sam know what had happened and he was more than happy to follow his father’s orders; besides a few good stiff drinks sounded good to him right now and maybe if he was lucky enough he would find a pretty young thing to console him.

[Angel325girl]

OMG...*picks up jaw from the floor* John is a....mean drunk. Poor Dean. I had a feeling he'd take the blunt of John's anger and fist. I bet Dean did get a punch here and there. No one becomes that screwed up. Hey, you gave me an idea. lol No, I have tons already.

But something tells me Sam isn't gonna come back from the store. If he does I hope he finds out what happened to Dean. I just love reading fics where Dean would do ANYTHING for his brother and where we always get inside John's head about his guilts and regrets.

Can't wait to read more Ais.

[adder574]

John is definitely mean when he get drunk. Sam's phone call to Caleb didn't help. I feel sorry for Dean. John's going to lose it when he realizes that Sam ran away.

Great update.

[scorpio1311]

Aha took inspiration from the comment Dean made to Sam in Heaven during Sam's memory with Bones the dog well done Sweetie, well done . I can see John being this way the more he learned of Sam's destiny. Plus we know from Shows background eps that John did have a temper walking out on Mary before & after Dean was born. Happy to wait until your Boss away later this week for you to post the next installment

My Boss will be away on a conference next Monday so I'll be able to visit HQ properly then. I might be able to ninja in sometime this week

Take care Aizzy - smushes
Alessandra

[aislinn]

Shannon, please go with your idea. Your ideas are wonderful.

Adder574 thank you. He is a mean drunk and unfortunately for Dean he's gonna get meaner.

Scorp, as always thanks and you make me . I'm not to sure about this next bit, so please be honest. I understand what I'm going for, could you let me know what you think I was going for? Just so I could see if I was able to get it across.

Sam flipped his cell phone closed, pushed off the wall of the building he had been leaning against and headed home. He had stretched the truth, hell, he flat out lied to Caleb. He knew his dad wasn’t stupid and he realized that once his dad talked to Caleb his little scheme would be exposed, but that didn’t matter; it would be worth the extra training he’d have to do. Sam groaned. “Oh, man I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I wasn’t thinking. Dad won’t train you extra hard, you like training; no, he’ll stick you with researching.”

Feeling a little guilty he headed to the convenient store and hoped that a bag of peanut M & M’s and a soda would suffice as a peace offering when it came time to face his brother. He didn’t doubt that Dean would be angry with him, but desperate times called for desperate measures and this about as desperate a time he had ever known.

Sam entered the store and made a bee line for the soda cooler in the back. He reached in, grabbed a couple sodas then headed for the candy aisle. He had picked up the M & M’s and had turned to head to the check counter when he felt a hand land on his shoulder. He jerked away, dropped his intended purchases, swiftly spun on his heels and raised his hands in a defensive posture. The person who had come up behind him gave a frightened squeak and jumped back. It would have been funny if it had been anyone other than Allison.

“Damn,” Sam muttered, and then quickly added, “Uh, sorry, Allison, guess I’m a little jumpy tonight.” Sam felt his face grow warm and knew that he was blushing. He gave her a sheepish grin and dropped his gaze to the floor.

Allison smiled at Sam then bent down to pick up the soda and candy he dropped. She stood back up and handed them to him her cool blue eyes meeting his. She brushed a strand of her ebony colored hair from her face before she spoke, “No problem, Sam, I’m sorry I scared you. I thought you heard me calling for you.”

“Yeah, uhm, sorry, guess my mind was somewhere else,” Sam shyly answered.

“I suppose it was,” Allison replied, “I hope you don’t mind, but I was heading to the Dairy Bar when I saw you come in here. I thought I’d stop and ask if you wanted to go along.”

“Yeah, sure. Let me pay for this and I’ll meet you there.” Sam took his phone out and thought about calling Dean to let him know where he was going, but quickly decided against it. He knew Dean would try to talk him out of it and well quite honestly he didn’t think he could get in any deeper than he already was. He put his phone back in his pocket, paid for his items and headed off to meet Allison

John paced the small living room his anger growing with every passing minute. He looked at the clock, to the door, then back to the clock. He had been waiting for over an hour for his youngest to get back from the store. Shaking his head he grabbed his jacket off the chair he had thrown it on and called for Dean.

The younger man jumped at the sound of his dad’s voice. He looked at his watch and noticed that Sam had been gone for over an hour. ‘Oh, this can’t be good,’ he thought as he made his way back to the living room.

John stood leaning against the front door his arms crossed over his chest, lips pressed in a firm line. When Dean stepped into the living room, John pressed off the door and addressed the younger man, “I’m going to go out and look for Sam. I suggest you take this time and head out. I hope for your sake that nothing serious has happened and he just got sidetracked. He’s been doing that a lot lately. I don’t know what’s gotten into him. Just because he’s eighteen doesn’t mean he can do what he wants.”

Dean followed his dad out the door, his orders were clear. He was to go to the local bar and hang out for a few hours, or at least long enough for the story of him being beaten up by someone he had hustled would be believable. He walked to his car, climbed inside, started her up and lost himself in the comforting rumble of her engine.

The bar was like all the others he had found himself in. Cigarette smoke hung heavy in the air, the smell of liquor and sweat was thick and the music was louder than it needed to be. He made his way to the bar, found an empty stool and sat down. He motioned for the bar tender and ordered a beer from the tap. He picked up his drink and turned himself around on the stool so he could look out over the rest of the bar.

He spotted the pool table in the far right corner and decided that since he was there he might as well play a game or two. He stood from the stool, grabbed his drink and weaved his way through the crowded bar to the pool table. He walked up to the group that stood around the table watching the game that was being played. He watched the match and found himself being impressed by one of the players.

Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, to keep it from falling forward into her face and interfering with her game. She wore a tight pink t-shirt and a pair of tight fitting blue jeans. His breath caught in his chest when her brown eyes met his. She was attractive and she knew it. She landed the last shot and won the game. She brushed past him on her way to collect the money she had won, and he felt that all too familiar desire grow.

The crowd dispersed and soon he found himself alone, well as alone as one could be in a crowded bar, with her. He racked the balls and asked her if she wanted to play a game, he even offered to let her break.

She smiled at him. “Alright,” she answered, “Why not? Care to make a little wager on the game?”

He smiled back at her. “Alright,” he replied and extended his hand to her, “Why not? My name’s, Dean.”

She took his hand gave it a quick shake, “My name’s, Cali.” She took the first shot and soon found herself watching him as he played. She noticed his strong jaw line, the way his body moved as he walked around the table and most of all his eyes. His eyes were the purest green she had ever seen and in the depths of those eyes she would have sworn she could see his life story.

They played another game, had a few more drinks and then found themselves heading back to her apartment. He followed her into her bedroom well aware that she wanted/needed this as much as he. He let himself get lost in the moment with her. For a moment he felt wanted, loved. He knew it wasn’t real, that it wouldn’t last; but for the moment he let himself believe it would.

When he woke a few hours later he found himself alone. Cali had left a note on the pillow explaining that she had to go into work early, thanking him for the previous night and suggested that they try to hook up again.

He rolled out of bed, pulled his clothes on and headed to the bathroom. He quickly did what he needed to do, washed his hands and splashed some water on his face. He threw the note away, left her apartment and made his way back home.

[adder574]

Poor Dean. I can image there were a number of times this happened to him. Sam likes to live dangerously. I wouldn't want to be him, when John gets ahold of him.

[scorpio1311]

Oh Aislinn that was very nice indeed. Now you did ask for my interpretation so here goes:

Now I hope I interpreted correctly but I believe you were trying to convey how differently both boys see their lives. I can see Sam could see his relationship with Allison as not a onetime thing - seems to be taking the usual slow way of meeting, being embarrassed, the girl has to take the lead, etc.. As well, although he knows that his brother will be punished by their Father he certainly does not have the slightest inkling that Dean is being physically and mentally abused - Dean has obeyed his Father like the good soldier he is and effectively kept Sam in the dark about what truly happens when Sam rebels.

Dean the ever-dutiful son knows that his life can never ever be normal as Sam still naively thinks it can be. Dean takes the physical, mental and emotional solace he needs in Cali's arms but by his gesture of throwing the note away shows that Dean is fully aware that a normal white-picket fence life is impossible for him and doesn't even want to continue even a simple fling with Cali as this would bring up yearnings he is, even at this young age, successfully keeping deeply buried. Even keeping the note itself would be too much of a reminder of a life that he is not meant to have. Dean is not one to have ‘notches in his belt’ or even keepsakes of his conquests. Besides who does he have to brag to - he doesn’t even have any friends!

Aizzy – does that help - did I read too much into it? Do I seem protective of a certain green-eyed man?


More please

[aislinn]

Scorp,
You as usual are right. I had hoped it came across. I had a really hard time. It's not easy thinking of John as being abusive like this, but it clicked when Dean said that to Sam in Dark Side of the Moon. It would also explain the way Dean behaves, even though the one nighters leave him still with that hallow feeling he takes what he can, and his, what seems to be sudden, realization how his dad was. Like finally after all that he has gone through he let the veil drop and exposed himself to the reality that was John instead of the hero he had made him out to be. Like he deserved what his dad was doing, the problem was him and not John and now he sees he's wrong, like many abuse victims do.

As for why John wasn't like that more with Sam, I think it has to do with a lot of things, like Sam being the youngest, Dean making it easier for him than Sam to be that way (always more compliant than Sam), and so on. Their family dynamic has been a source of much fascination for me, ad how I would have loved to dissect them for my one Social Work class, it would have been fun.

My dear, you seem as overly protective of that handsome green eyed man as we all are. Who wouldn't feel compelled to be?

[scorpio1311]

True enough, Aizz we do seem to be more protective of Dean than of Sam - not that Sam doesn't need some hugs too.

I still wonder if Dean would be so sympathetic a character if it was anyone else playing him.

As the writers have been giving us some more insight into their early life after Mary's death as well as before they were born your story isn't a far stretch and I agree I did think as well that in Dark Side of the Moon Dean implied their Father did something more than just yell at him when Sam ran away that time.

As to being softer on Sam it could be that his birth had brought Mary and John closer as we've seen it wasn't the happiest of marriages; John having left for that short while when Dean was 3/4?

When Dean and Sam went back to the past, Mary was all for leaving John, austensibly to protect him from the Angels, etc., until she discovered that she was pregnant with Dean but I feel protecting John was just an excuse as the pregnancy forced her to stay in the marriage; possibly another reason Michael wiped their memories - both boys needed to be born by Mary and be full brothers? Even Cupid admitted it took a lot of planning just to get Mary to like John in the first place.

John was a means to take Mary away from hunting and then when her parents were killed he was all she had left; not the basis for a good marriage. It could be before Sam was born that during a fight Mary said she only stayed because of Dean which would rather piss off a husband and not make that son a favorite.

Having said that John also relied heavily on Dean to care for both him and Sam which we know Dean did without complaint so Dean did in effect contribute somewhat to how John behaved toward him - in the sense of expecting Dean to be the obedient soldier. It was only before John died that John realized how hard he had been towards Dean and how uneven his love for his sons was.

I've read that some universities do have courses studying this family's dynamic as well as the show's fandom - interesting stuff indeed!

[deanslittleangel666]

Awesome fic cant wait to see where its going. John is one mean SOB when he's drunk.

Cant wait for the next update!!

Claire

x X x

[aislinn]

deanslittleangel666, thank you. To be honest I wasn't sure about posting this, kind of worried about how it would be taken, but figured why not. I really appreciate you're reading and taking the time to respond.

adder574 thank you again for your response. Sam is brave, but when you're young like that, who isn't? I know what you mean about Dean. I have always kinda thought that his conquests were a way to hide his insecurities.

Scorp. What universities? It'd be interesting to see what they have to say. You brought up some very good points about John and Mary. To be honest I have a hard time reconciling myself to those thoughts, because of how their love has been described. When Sam said that he thought their marriage was perfect and Dean replied not until after she died, I went . I guess the writers strike hurt the show more than we realized, in the sense that weren't they going to delve into John and Mary's past a little more than they have? I also have to wonder if it doesn't have to do with how much Dean reminded John of Mary and how much that must have hurt and he irrationally blamed Dean for that at times. As usual thanks for reading and being there.

Ok here's a little more.......I hope you enjoy......

Sam sat in the booth at the Dairy Bar his attention solely focused on the pretty dark haired girl sitting beside him, her hand tightly held by his. The hot fudge sundae they were sharing sitting in the center of the table with their two spoons sticking out of what was left of the ice-cream.

Allison playfully collected some whipped cream from the bowl, with her finger and plopped it on the tip of Sam’s nose. Sam gave an indignant grunt; his mouth twisted in a false frown and proceeded to do the same to her. Soon they were both covered in the remaining sundae and found themselves being ushered out of the store, when Allison decided to end the little contest of who could cover whom the most by dumping the remaining contents of the bowl over Sam’s head. The two teens fled the tiny ice-cream parlor, their laughter floating along the cool spring breeze; neither of them aware of the presence following them.

Sam walked Allison, the five blocks, back to her house and headed back to his apartment. His mind was still on her and the good time he had just had that he didn’t see the hand reaching for him from between two buildings until it was too late. Letting out a surprised yelp, he found himself pulled into an alley and shoved against a wall.

John gripped the front of his youngest boy’s shirt with an iron tight grip. He made sure he was standing well inside the boys personal space, his nose mere inches from Sam’s. Sam shivered when his eyes took in the anger that burned deep in his father’s. Sam’s previous thought of not being able to get any deeper in to it than he already was changed, in the blink of an eye, to oh sh!t, I really stepped in it now.

John’s hot breath tickled Sam’s nose and he could clearly smell the alcohol that lingered there. He felt his dad’s body tremble with rage and he prayed that whatever his dad had in mind would be quick and as painless as humanly possible.

John smiled when he saw the fear that had set up residence in his youngest. Taking a deep breath he let go of Sam’s shirt and took a step back. “You lose track of time, Sam,” John asked his voice letting Sam know that no nonsense was going to be tolerated.

“Dean, told me that you had run to the corner store and that you’d be right back. I realized once he had mentioned Caleb, it was his way of getting you gone so he could talk to me,” John watched his son and noticed the way he began shuffling his feet once Caleb was mentioned. John’s smile grew, ‘Good, he’s nervous, shows that he hasn’t completely lost all his sense’, John thought to himself; then continued, “Imagine my surprise when Caleb called and mentioned that he had been asked to join us on a hunt because I had agreed to let you go out. What I’d like to know is which one of you decided to call Caleb and lie to him? I know which of you did the calling (John pointedly looked at Sam); what I want to know is which of you decided that calling him before talking to me was a good idea?”

John already knew the answer; he wanted to hear it from Sam. Sam couldn’t look his father in the eye, the level of agitation he felt from the older man making him feel all of six years old and brought back the memory of what happened the time he thought hiding from his dad was a good idea. Sam bristled as the memory came to him. He was a grown man, he wasn’t six anymore and he wasn’t going to allow his father to treat him like a child anymore.

Sam squared his shoulders, brought his eyes up to meet his dad’s and defiantly answered, “No, I didn’t lose track of time. I met Allison at the store and decided to go get some ice-cream with her. It was my idea to call Caleb. Dean mentioned he was close by and said that he would talk to you about Caleb going in my place. I wasn’t going to risk you saying no, so I called knowing you wouldn’t say no and risk looking like an ass in front of him. I took the initiative and found someone to go in my place. It’s not like you really needed me anyway, you just wanted to keep me from doing something I really wanted to. I’m eighteen dad. I don’t need your permission to get ice-cream with a girl and I sure as hell don’t have to go along on any hunts that I don’t want to.”

Sam paused to catch his breath and when he spoke his voice was low and laced with hate, “This way of life is something you choose for yourself, and you just dragged me along. I don’t want this, I never did. You don’t give a second thought about me, unless it’s something to do with a hunt or something you do to impress your friends. All I ever wanted was to stay in one place, to go to the same school for more than a few months, to be normal. You can’t make me do anything anymore. I’m an adult now and I won’t have you treating me like I’m still a little kid. I can take care of myself; god knows I’ve been doing it long enough.”

The sound of the slap echoed off the walls of the alley, along with the sound of Sam’s surprised and pain filled cry. John grabbed the front of Sam’s shirt and pulled him close; ignoring the blood that dripped from his sons split lip. “Enough,” he ground out, “You think you’re so grown up? Then leave. Go on and leave. I can’t make you stay. I can’t make you go. I can’t make you do anything, right?” John let go of Sam’s shirt giving him a shove back.

Sam stood his back against the wall, his father’s hands on either side of him trapping him there. The defiance he had felt seconds ago having been replaced by trepidation; he lowered his eyes and surrendered. John smiled, “Not so sure of yourself are you, now? Yeah, Sammy the world can be a cold place when you’re all alone. You think you have it bad now? Well, even you are smart enough to realize just how tough things could be on your own. I’ll tell you what. I’m willing to let this little incident slide, this time, but I’m warning you Sam, you don’t want to keep pushing me. I expect you to meet your brother right after school tomorrow, you both owe me for this little favor and I know just how you’ll repay me. A friend of mine has a house a few towns over that needs some work done. You two just volunteered. I’ll drive you over and you both can spend the weekend working on it, and when you’re not working you can be training. I’ll pick you back up on Sunday and we should all be here in time to have supper with Caleb. What ya, think Sammy, sound like a plan?”

Sam nodded, then quickly added, “Yes, sir.”

John smiled, pushed himself back away from Sam and said “Good boy. Now what ya say we head back to the apartment? I’m kinda hungry. How’s pizza sound?”

Sam just nodded and followed his dad out of the alley. He had been planning on going with Allison and a few friends to the beach cottage this weekend, but now; now he wasn’t so sure. His mind went to the acceptance letter safely locked away in his locker at school and a smile tugged at his lips. ‘All I have to do is make it through the summer. Come this fall I’m off to Stanford, he can’t stop me.’ His smile faded when he thought about leaving his brother, but he didn’t have a choice. ‘This life isn’t for me and I can’t live with dad for much longer, one of us is sure to wind up dead. I don’t want to leave Dean. I’m not leaving Dean. I’m leaving dad and this life. Dean can come with, if he wants, but only if he wants.’

[Angel325girl]

*cries* i don't want Sam to leave Dean but he has to get away from John.