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4.03 The Girl Next Door tag

Chapter One - Duty

You can’t change who you are.

I know. I’ve tried.

If you kill humans, I’m going to find you and kill you.

It’s who I am.

I’m a killer too.

The difference is I kill evil.

It’s simple, black and white.

You are what you are.

No gray.

The hunger is too strong.

We’re fools to think differently.

That only causes more pain, more death.

I don’t like it, but that’s the way it is.

You may not kill today or tomorrow.

But it’s coming.

I can’t risk another life.

I’m sorry.

That’s just the way it has to be.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

Dean, you shocked me with your actions and yet I understand. A hunter’s life is a hard life, with brutal actions that damage the man as much as the creatures he hunts. How you maintain your humanity, how you build that shield around your heart to not feel the pain, how you’ve managed to remain upright for all these years, is truly amazing.

But something’s coming. A confrontation, a collapse of your walls, an acknowledgement of the pressure and the pain. It is inevitable.

I only want to bear witness and see you rebuild, stronger than ever. I am so scared for you, but I know you will come through the other side. You are too strong to falter now.

Guh…these boys are tearing my heart out yet again. Nothing is ever easy for them, from the external threat to the inner battle. And yet they persevere. One only hopes there are more of their kind out there, in the real world making those hard decisions to protect us, regardless of the personal cost.

Thanks for reading. I’d love to hear your comments on the drabble and also on Dean’s actions.

Just look at our little horror show now! Bold and true and unafraid to get down and dirty. I love examining those shades of gray. So far I have eight drabbles written and will post more soon.

Later, B.J.

Nicely said! Like your sig too.

My opinion about his action, I think he went back to his roots there. No more letting demons walk because they might come in handy, or have good intentions. Back to what his Dad taught him. A hunter kills a monster, no matter what shape or form. Maybe this was a message from the writers sayin'; we're going back to S1 "Saving people, hunting things. The family business'. I gave it some thought and I think they did a great job on it, because a lot of fans are stunned by what Dean did and think it's wrong, while other are glad about it. It was bold, and my gut was telling me it was not the right thing to do, but he did it anyway. What did bothered me was that he didn't kill the little boy. That kid is gonna grow up, as he does he's gonna need brains to eat, one way or another, he's gonna start killing.

Simply amazing. I think you have Dean's emotions and thoughts down.

While I was stunned by what he did, because he said he trusted Sam, I'm not really all that surprised. As you stated he knew she would kill again, and I agree she would have. It wasn't Sam he didn't trust, but Amy.

Your drabble hit to the very heart of this show. Yes, Dean is falling apart, but I think while he's cracking he's seeing things more clearly. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks, guys! I absolutely freaking LOVE that show can get us thinking and debating and discussing Dean's actions. I also LOVE that as well as I think I know Dean, he still manages to shock me, but then on longer reflection...his actions aren't shocking at all, it is who Dean is, what he believes.

And yet we worry for him, because while he showed such tenderness when he gently laid her down, his killing of her could be perceived as cold. And yet, I think it was just the hunter locking down his emotions yet again. But what happens when those emotions come barreling back up? What does it do to the man we love so much?

Excellent point! Yes, Dean has again come full circle, back to what Dad taught him. I don't think it was random that Sam mentioned, "What do you think Dad would have done?" Dean knew exactly what Dad would have done, what needed doing.

On the son, while I agree the son should have been killed too, that he will need to feed and hence kill to survive. I love that it is Dean's code not to kill children, to wait until there is proof that they are killers too. I think that is the writers' way of showing Dean is still holding on to his humanity and has not crossed that line. It will come back to bite him at some point, I'm sure of that. But again, I love that Dean takes responsibility for his actions and knows that the kid will want to kill him. Sadly, I think a part of him feels he deserves it.

So true! I hope show continues to explore this and brings some resolution. I think Dean needs the control right now, the rigidity of knowing what is right. It is emotionally draining to always have to figure out the finer points. And then when you do show compassion, it doesn't work out, that other shoe drops. I think Dean just wants it to be simpler, if something is evil you kill it.

And I can't say he is wrong. So far we've not seen any evil monsters that didn't kill...one way or another, even if they seemed sympathetic.

Such intriguing discussions, I love it!

More drabbles to come, when Show gets philosophical like this, I find it so inspiring and the words flow. It's wonderful getting inside Dean's head, even if it is at times scary and worrisome.

Later, B.J.

:hug

Agree with everybody here! :cheer

Dean is going back to what he knows. I think Jensen is doing a fantastic job in letting us see Dean slowly falling apart.

I was watching MBV last night and when Famine was telling Dean how empty he was inside and the look on Dean's face :( He really believed everything Famine was saying to him. He has lost all hope. :cry

When I read about Dean not killing the boy and how everybody thought he should have, I think back to Metamorphosis and when Travis said he was glad the boy (Jack) wasn't around back when he killed his father cause he didn't think he could do it, well of course we knew then that if Dean was ever put in that kind of situation that he would never kill a child, so that ending didn't seem OOC at all.

This is turning out to be one of my favorite seasons, I only hope the writing stays strong. I know the acting will be "Emmy worthy" of course. :)

:)

Hey, MCM, I agree, I am totally loving this season. And I think this episode is one of my favs, simply because it did shock me and it has brought on all this discussion. Strange how Dean is criticized for killing Amy but then also criticized for the compassion he showed in not killing her son. I think both actions show the depth of his feelings and how he deals with what must be done.

I too thought back to Travis and how even tho he seemed like a more cold-hearted hunter than our boys, even he didn't have the stomach for killing a kid. I also then thought back to Jack and how Dean waited to see for sure if he would kill. How Sam's compassion and 'need' for someone to be able to make their own choice overrode what Dean's gut told him to do. It could have turned horribly wrong, Jack could have killed Dean...and then how would Sam have felt? Worse than he would feel if Amy killed an innocent, but only because the dead victim would have been his brother.

I'm sure all these things went thru Dean's mind. This wasn't just a knee-jerk reaction, it was thought out, the pros and cons and it came down heavy on Amy. Dean knew there was no choice here. And he was man enough to do the job.

Love my guy and the heartbreak that threatens him, cause I know Dean will persevere...eventually. He always manages to pull himself thru...but I wonder how this time. He might finally be near his breaking point.

Chapter two in next post.

B.J.

:hug

Chapter Two - Compassion

It’s comforting to think you make your own decisions.

That you control your fate.

We’re born into our lives.

Or we’re made.

Regardless, you are who you are, what you do.

Killing is killing.

Doesn’t matter why.

Doesn’t matter if you’re sorry or promise to never kill again.

You can’t control the need.

The hunger.

Lenore tried and failed.

You will too.

It’s just a matter of time.

Compassion is blind faith,

Ignorance and hope.

I can’t afford that luxury.

Can’t take that risk.

I have a responsibility.

To not let it happen again.

To end it before it begins.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

I love Dean’s certainty, how he always seems able to see beyond what’s expected and hold firm to his own beliefs. It is so much harder when you care. But I hope he never shuts down his empathy, even if it does make his job so damn difficult, taking on their pain as his own and bearing that guilt.

I love the discussion Supernatural fosters, the debates on the right and wrong of it, and where it all might lead. Comments are appreciated. Thanks for stopping by, B.J.

This is breaking my heart. I can put my head in the sand and refuse to see Dean cracking, then I read these and I can hear his voice and see his eyes and it all hits me. It's spooky how you're able to get inside his head.

Please keep these coming.

Thanks, aislinn! I have so many of these already written. I love when show and Dean inspire me. There is so much depth to the man. While he may think the decision was simple, we know how it tears at him...but then we also fear that it isn't affecting him enough.

It is so easy to see the strong man, the bold hunter with the flippant attitude and think he is okay. Hope he is okay. Except show has really shown us that he isn't...and as much as we want to ignore the signs and think he will pull thru like he always does, there is real danger ahead for him. They are managing to scare us.

Dean is on the brink. I can't wait to see where Jensen takes him and then how he comes back to himself. Man, but I love this character and all his trials.

B.J.

:hug

Chapter Three – Understand

Please, you don’t understand.

I won’t kill again.

I only killed to save my son, my family.

Can’t you understand that?

I understand.

I’m sorry it has to come to this.

Sam cares for you.

Feels he owes you.

He does. I saved him.

Twice I could have killed him.

I know.

Doesn’t change anything.

Why?

Because I have to.

I don’t have a choice.

Just like you don’t have a choice.

You will kill again.

No, I told you, I won’t.

No, you don’t understand.

You can’t change who you are.

You will kill if I don’t stop you.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

As complicated as it all seems, Dean is able to condense it down to the bottom line. As a hunter he knows she will kill again, when need or opportunity presents itself. She might be able to justify it, but it still means a human will be dead. In Dean’s eyes that is unacceptable. It is the hunter code, his responsibility, his need for order in a crazy world, that makes the decision a simple one…even if the fallout is severe.

Thanks for reading, comments appreciated. Later, B.J.

Chapter Four - Light

I watched the light go out of her eyes.

Heard the soft gasp as she settled down to die.

Death is never peaceful, never gentle.

The good sleep never comes.

Not when youth and passion are stolen by a killer.

She turned cold, like me.

The silence stretching out as her breath stilled.

The red from her wound soiling her shirt.

Evidence of what I’d done.

The mark of my justice.

I’d steeled my heart to what needed doing.

And yet, witnessing it, causing it…

It left a chill…

A scar.

A spot on my soul that nothing could ease.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

This is the true tragedy of the episode, that even though Dean can totally justify the kill, she is dead and he is further damaged as a result. Dean, you can’t continue down this path, stuffing all your feelings into that lead box. Denial is a bitch; eventually she will rise up and threaten to take you down. There are no winners here, except that unnamed victim from the future who will never know what was sacrificed to save them. Never even know they needed saving.

My heart breaks for you, Dean!

Any and all comments are appreciated. Thanks for stopping by, B.J.

B.J. for me it's difficult to comment on these. They are breathtakingly beautiful in the way they describe Dean's innermost thoughts. How they lay his soul wide open and expose the pain and guilt.

Your last plea with him to change how he's thinking echo's my thoughts and fears as well.

Simply splendid my dear. Simply splendid.

Thank you for the lovely comments, aislinn! :hug:

These drabbles are difficult to read because they lay bare all that Dean fears and hides. We see in Jensen's eyes the truth of what Dean feels, and yet in this eppie, his eyes were strangely vacant, leading us to fear he is losing himself, that part that does care.

I always see the sensitive man wrapped up tight in that bold hunter facade. Dean is so many people, but mostly he is so demanding of himself that he can't see or know who he truly is. We and everyone around him see him so much clearer.

I think Jo's comment to him was the most poignant, doesn't he want to find out who he is before he dies?

Dean is brave enough to do it, he just needs to take that first step. And what a wondrous discovery that will be!

I love that while we saw a dark Dean in TGND and it scares us, it also gets us talking about the man and the strain of their lives. They do have to make hard decisions and then find a way to deal with the aftermath.

I only hope Dean can eventually put aside the bottle and believe in himself and accept that he is good.

More to come...

B.J.

:hug

BJ, Heard about this from Swan---wonderful, of course! Always love peeking inside Dean's head...wish we saw more of it onscreen , but thank you for providing it!! :)

Thanks, Meg...you know how much I enjoy rummaging around in Dean's head! :D

Chapter Five – Monster

Sam isn’t the freak, I am.

Sam cares, he wants to do good.

I can’t blame him for wanting to protect his friend.

For wanting to spare her.

I wish I could be so innocent, so caring.

The things I’ve done.

What I’ve seen.

On earth and in Hell.

I can’t let it touch me.

Can’t let it stop me.

This caring…this compassion.

I have to lock it down and do the job.

Life is hard.

What we do as hunters even harder.

I can’t allow myself to feel.

I know I’m a killer.

Maybe that makes me the monster.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

Dean could never be less than heroic in my eyes. I only wish he could feel good again about what he does instead of focusing on the nastiness of the job. The very fact that he thinks so little of himself shows he isn’t lost to the dark. He just doesn’t see the light within his own soul, the tenderness he shoves down because in this life it seems a liability. It isn’t, it is what keeps him human.

Thanks again. Comments?

Once again :cry Am loving these insights. Please keep them up.

Thanks, aislinn, your support means a lot. :hug:

xxx

Chapter Six – Revenge

I did what I had to do.

What Dad would have done.

What needed doing.

Still, her eyes haunt me.

His eyes haunt me…her boy.

He didn’t need to see that.

Didn’t need to be thrust into the dark so soon.

He’s still a child, unformed except by me.

He wants to kill me.

I don’t blame him.

It’s what I’d do.

I deserve it.

I hope he finds me first before any others.

Assuming I’m still alive.

When he comes for me is when I’ll kill him.

Not before.

Not until he’s grown.

Until he’s killed.

Until it’s time.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

Amy’s boy was an unexpected complication. Jensen masterfully portrayed Dean’s conflict upon turning to find him there. An important point to make is Dean didn’t kill Amy in front of her child, the kid wandered in after. Still, it is heartbreaking and while the smart thing would have been to end him, that’s not Dean. Dean has his own code, his own limits to what he will do.

I couldn’t help but consider Dean at that age, how he saw more than a child should ever see. I think Dean related to the kid in that regard. They are/were young children put on a path not of their choosing. The hunter asked if he had killed and then threatened him if he ever did. The man allowed the boy to live, gave the child the chance to grow up. It shows his compassion is still there, shoved down but never capable of being truly buried.

Thanks again for reading and all the insightful discussions in the reviews. This is why I love our little show so damn much. It gets us thinking and it makes us feel!

Later, B.J.

Chapter Seven - Weakness

The smart thing would have been to kill the boy.

Kill the creature and end the threat.

He needs human flesh to survive.

That makes him a monster in my book.

But he’s also a child.

An innocent…in his own way.

He didn’t ask for this.

Hasn’t killed yet.

I know what I should have done.

But I couldn’t.

Couldn’t kill a kid.

I don’t know what that says about me.

That I’m weak…not strong enough to follow through and do the tough part of the job?

Or that I’m human…still not totally lost to the dark?

Time will tell.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

The very fact that Dean agonizes over this, has nightmares and drinks to forget, proves he is the compassionate, sensitive man forced by duty and circumstance to do the harsh deeds. It is the dichotomy of his personality; he is so many men warring within one soul and body. First and foremost, he is a good man, a true hero. Doing what he does for the good of mankind, regardless of the personal cost.

Many thanks for reading and to those who choose to comment, each review is truly appreciated. Take care, B.J.

Chapter Eight – Lies

Avoidance.

Deception.

Lies.

Tales we tell ourselves to justify our actions.

I don’t want to lie to Sam.

Don’t want to hide who I am or what I’m capable of.

Don’t want to hurt him.

But I will…hurt him, betray his trust.

Either through my actions.

Or by my lies.

It’s inevitable that he’ll find out.

Nothing stays silent forever.

The other shoe will drop.

I know that.

For now, I lie to myself.

That it’s easier this way.

That I’m protecting Sam.

That doing what needed doing and hiding it was necessary.

More lies before the truth wins out.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

I too don’t like the lies and deception between the boys, but I understand the whys of it. Nothing good will come of it. Nothing but guilt and more pain. But it isn’t done with malice, rather it is done to protect, as misplaced as that may be. You gotta feel for these guys. And I do believe it eats Dean up to lie to Sam, the one person he never wants to shut out.

Comments appreciated. Thanks for stopping by, B.J.

You keep breaking my heart. As I read these I can hear Dean's voice, as if he's standing right here pouring out his heart; reaching out for someone to understand, to tell him he did the right thing....to show him it's ok to let go and forgive himself. But, we all know that won't happen.

Dean can't let go, he can't forgive himself. He can't see the good that's buried under all the "crap", the real him. The real man that is not only a killer but a savior. The man who can one day hack the head off a vampire then the next gently cradle a victim in his arms and let them know their safe. The man who despite how he sees himself is a hero to others, deserving of their thanks and admiration. A man who any other would be lucky to have as a friend. A man who is lost in a world of darkness, who if only would let the light in he would be found.

Dean is the kind of man the world so desperately needs and is crying out for. He's messed up, there's no doubt; but there's more to him than that. He's a survivor.

Thank you for these, BJ, they (imo) really show the man beneath the layers and really gets to the heart and soul of him.

Thank you! You perfectly captured who Dean is and why we love him so! :hug:

Yes, this is Dean, the man we all wish we knew. The man we would want by our side in a crisis, a man capable of saving us. A man who cares.

I think the saddest line Dean has uttered in a long list of revealing comments is that he is 90% crap. He isn't...and for him to even think that for one second is just plain wrong.

I love that when Dean does open up it is with Sam. That he trusts his brother enough to let some of those feelings out.

Unfortunately when he is in protective mode, when Sam's mental state has him on edge just waiting for the other shoe to drop...he feels this compelling need to stay strong, to be there in support even if he himself needs support.

I love writing these drabbles, love digging through his mind and drawing out those feelings he buries and tries to hide. These are all the things Dean thinks about himself, but refuses to vocalize. I don't think Dean has anything to worry about as far as finding out who he is, he is a good man.

I just hope he feels safe in revealing his inner issues again soon. He needs to let all these conflicting thoughts out, he needs to hear that Sam is okay, so they can work on sharing all this pain and guilt.

Thanks for all the lovely reviews and the conversation, I love discussing Dean. :cloud9

B.J.

:hug

Chapter Nine - Truth

Dean, tell me the truth.

You killed her?

How could you?

You told me you trusted me.

And then you go behind my back and what?

You just stabbed her through the heart?

I'd handled it, it was over.

No, Sam.

With her alive, it would never be over.

She would always be a threat.

I'm sorry.

I didn't want to do it.

But it needed doing.

Why?

Because she was a monster?

A freak like me?

So, would you end me?

What makes me any different than her?

You don't kill people. She does.

It's as simple as that.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

To Dean, it is that simple. Plus I don't think Dean could ever kill Sam. Even if he had to rethink his views, make that exception. For Sam there is only one answer.

Thanks again for reading, and I'd love to hear your thoughts. Later, B.J.

Chapter Ten - Brother

He asks me again if I could kill him.

Kill my own brother.

No.

Never.

I could never end his life.

Never let him go.

Never give up.

I know him.

Better than I know myself.

I will believe in him to whatever end that takes me.

I've seen into his heart.

Pure and just.

Kind and true.

Sam is Sam.

My brother.

My friend.

The best part of me.

The hope of what I can be.

I'd rather die than lose that.

Lose that chance at normal.

At a life beyond hunting.

He's my family.

All I have left.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

And it isn't that Sam is all Dean is. But Dean values family, values his brother, values Sam. Dean is more apt to hurt himself by taking on all the blame and guilt and responsibility willingly, than ever feel or see how unfair it all is. He is the big brother, the protector, and that is a huge part of who he is and how he sees himself, but no, it certainly is not all. There is such depth to Dean; we've only scratched the surface. Yes, like Jo said, Dean needs to find out who he is before he dies. He is not 90% crap, not hardly. One day he'll see that.

Thanks for stopping by. Later, B.J.

I can't believe I missed the one before this last one. Wow, again wow! All these are wonderful. You've hit Dean right on the proverbial head. Love every single one of these.

Again, thanks for sharing.

Thanks for reading and replying, much appreciated. I have a bunch more to post, but work and the Christmas rush are keeping me pretty busy. Can only take a break to watch new Supernatural tonight! Yippee! :happydance

B.J.

:hug

Chapter Eleven - Normal

What is normal?

Since when have we ever been normal?

I don't even remember what that feels like.

What that is.

Sam thinks he's not normal.

He doesn't realize, no one is.

We're all damaged...bent...wrong.

The most we can hope for is to keep trying.

Striving to do the best we can...with what we've got.

I don't know when I lost all hope.

I feel like nothing will ever be the same.

I'll never be the same.

I'll never be normal.

That's okay.

I learned long ago to not expect more.

I just don't want to be what I am.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

I'm always conflicted on how Dean feels about himself, and about all the comments from Bobby and Sam that he doesn't feel he's worth anything. I don't know if that is it exactly, or that Dean simply has such impossibly high standards for himself that he could never feel he measures up, and also that he is the sort of person to always put others before himself. As much as I love John, John contributed to Dean's self-image with the unreasonable demands he put on his eldest. I think for a very long time, Dean's biggest fear was disappointing Dad, or Sam.

Like Jo said, I don't think Dean knows himself...and a part of him is afraid to find out. He needn't worry. He is a good man, an incomparable hero and someone we all find worthy of our respect.

Comments appreciated. Take care, B.J.

Another wonderful update as usual.

Thanks again for all the support! :D

B.J.

:hug

Chapter Twelve – Hunter

The world of a hunter is complicated.

Intense and constantly shifting.

There are always decisions to be made.

What’s right…what’s wrong?

Who lives…who dies?

How far is too far?

This was a hard one.

Not in what to do.

Rather how to live with the aftermath.

As a hunter, you do the job.

The rest you bury.

Along with the bodies of the things you waste.

Into the depths.

Where there is only the murmur of what you’ve done.

You do the job until you can’t.

Until your bill comes due.

Until the weight of what you’ve become destroys you.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

I’m out of comments. This is wrong, Dean is wrong…but turning it around? I don’t know how he’s supposed to accomplish that. I only know he deserves better.

Discussion, comments…hope? Our beautiful, beautiful boys…how will they survive all their job demands of them?

This will be my last update before Christmas. I’m still going to try and post that Christmas story…where does the time go?

Happy Holidays to all! – B.J.


:hug

Wow, another awesome update.

I don't think Dean is wrong. He's right you have to push the bad memories deep down just so you can function. It's wrong in the sense that if you don't deal with them they will haunt you and end you destroying you, but what else can you do? They have a job to do. It's a dirty, messy, nasty job that leaves them dropping bits and pieces of themselves (their souls) wherever they go.

I don't think there's anyway to survive and come out whole with they have to do. I don't think it's possible to face the things they face, do the things they do and come out again complete. Sure they talk about it, they can cry about it, but in the end it's always going to be there.

They both deserve better. They both deserve so much better. But, I really don't see how. They both have been at this to long. The only shred of hope they have is each other. They need to find a way to keep their relationship in tact. They need to find a way of letting go of the old hurts and anger and starting new. But, then again it's always there, just like the next beastie that needs to be put down.

I don't mean to sound so bleak, but I really can't picture either of them getting that white picket fence, apple pie life. They may end all the evil in the world. They may keep many of us from having to see the ugly reality of this world. But, for them, at the end of the day, when they close their eyes it'll be there taunting them, haunting them. They'll never be completely free.

It does sound bleak...doesn't it? I think there is something down deep inside every hero that allows them to carry on. Yes, they bury the pain and the images of what they've seen and done, but they do have to eventually deal with it. When that time comes, I think they either self-destruct as Martin did in Sam, Interrupted or they become hardened as Rufus did or best-case-scenario...they find something within themselves to allow them to still maintain their humanity in spite of all reason to lose hope and they carry on. I hope Sam and Dean are the latter, the heroes who go to war and come home again.

I think that's what makes them special, not only that they can do the job, but that they can survive the emotional toll of doing the job. At least I hope so.

Dean especially has always had that humor impulse, that ability to make light and look on the bright side. He's been down a long time now and it continues to wear on him, but I'm hoping he will find that spark again, that passion and feeling of doing good.

I've always found it amazing that the boys could carry on, and that was before the apocalypse and Hell and all the other turmoils they've suffered through. I do think their strength comes from each other, in that unity of "us against the world of evil". So if they can find even footing there then maybe...

They certainly deserve some peace, some satisfaction and contentment. I guess it's up to the writers if they ever get it.

Thanks for all the discussion, I really love hearing your comments.

Later, B.J.

:hug

Chapter Thirteen – Desperate

I know family.

What it means.

What someone will do to protect their own.

I’ve been there.

Seen the repercussions.

Felt the fallout.

I’ve been on that side of the decision.

And I’ve made the wrong choice.

I’ve danced with the devil and paid the price.

If there are no barriers.

No limits to what one would do for love.

Then someone else needs to hold that line.

Someone else needs to rein you back.

A desperate man knows no boundaries…fears no consequence.

Has no conscience.

That’s why I need to remain detached.

Steady in what I know is right.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

I hate that Dean feels that he must jettison his feelings to do the job. It is understandable, but it is also what makes him human and so much more than a cold-stone killer. There is much danger in doing the job, great personal cost to the man who is forced to be the judge and jury on who deserves to die. But if a man is to make those hard decisions for mankind, then I want that man to be Dean Winchester.

Comments appreciated. Take care, B.J.

Chapter Fourteen - Survival

It’s natural to want to survive.

It’s instinct and drive.

Determination and skill

That allows someone to live on.

Survival of the fittest.

The most cunning.

The most ruthless.

I can’t fault a creature for the desire.

But I am not going to condone their brutality either.

My job is to protect the innocents from what lurks in the shadows.

My duty to save them.

To kill whatever is looking to kill us.

It’s nature.

To defend your own.

I’m good at my job.

Our planet, our rules.

Our justice and our right

To defend ourselves from all other creatures.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

Thanks for reading. Take care, B.J.

Chapter Fifteen - Cold

Some might call me cold.

Unemotional…detached.

I can’t argue the point.

But I’m not cruel.

Not intentionally.

It needed doing.

It was necessary.

How do I handle it and get through another day?

There’s drinking and pills.

But those only take the edge off.

I lock down the emotion.

Deep inside.

And I try to survive.

If I allowed my emotions to surface.

If I felt it all.

Well…I don’t think I could keep going.

Beyond a monster getting me one day.

That’s the biggest threat.

That one day I won’t be able to ignore what’s rumbling in my gut.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

No, I absolutely do not believe Dean is cold or detached. Rather he feels too much...and there is so much for him to feel bad about, which is why he tries to distance himself from his feelings, tries to do the job and not let the fallout touch him. He never succeeds and that is what makes him so vulnerable to the hurt and the pain. He tries to be strong and not acknowledge it, but it is always there, tugging at his consciousness and causing him unrest. Denial is a bitch...

Thanks for reading and reviewing (if the mood strikes). Later, B.J.