Free Forums with no limits on posts or members.
zIFBoards - Free Forum Hosting
Welcome to Pixel Pagoda. We hope you enjoy your visit.


You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.


Join our community!


If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Name:   Password:


Affiliates:
- - - The Writer's Forum - The Spriter's Zone
 

 Void
Nigetron
Posted: Apr 10 2010, 06:56 PM


Pirate Bard


Group: Members
Posts: 29
Member No.: 1,192
Joined: 20-October 09



Name: Nigel
Age: 19, born august 18, 1990
Title: Void

This is a primary piece about a main villain in my novella. The ideas and opinions expressed do not represent my own... I'm no psycho... well i might be... but I'm not a sociopath.

Void

I understand their are a few flow/pacing and grammar issues, and apologize in advance


--------------------
Why do we kill people that kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?
Top
RaveDuck
Posted: Apr 10 2010, 09:19 PM


Unregistered









I'll get to this tomorrow. Yutz was before you on my list of things to review.
Top
Oblivion
Posted: Apr 10 2010, 09:59 PM


Lelouch Vi Britannia commands you!
Group Icon

Group: Epic Heroes
Posts: 1,416
Member No.: 158
Joined: 29-July 06



There are a lot of things I liked about this.

Alright first off, you have a very good way of providing descriptions. The first paragraph has a natural flow to it and you also have a pretty good vocabulary. One thing though, sometimes you try to sound too grand or majestic which in turn makes some of your narration seem forced. Be careful with that. Other than that, there are relatively few grammar mistakes and overall your descriptions set up the atmosphere beautifully. I also give you props for your use of figures of speech and techniques such as parallel construction. All in all, style-wise, there's not much to complain about.

Now then, here comes the one major gripe I have here.

You set up the villain's intentions in the first part of the story, although vaguely. Now, after that you have a part with him and his subordinates and you mention a speech. This is where I felt you could've done a bit more. What I mean is, you could've used this as a perfect chance to expose your character and you didn't. If you had written out his speech you would've had a perfect chance to show off character traits, ideals, past (all the things mentioned that he talked about). By doing that, the reader knows more about the character and might sympathize him. That's the only major complaint I have.

Besides that I liked it. This is only a setup for a novella you plan on writing later right? If so, then it definitely accomplishes its purpose.


--------------------
[11:06] DB: If you have a lisp, It's hard to differentiate between "Pianist" and "Penis'd"
Top
Nigetron
Posted: Apr 10 2010, 10:11 PM


Pirate Bard


Group: Members
Posts: 29
Member No.: 1,192
Joined: 20-October 09



Thank you oblivion, there's a main reason I didn't write out the speech, that being I plan to write it out in full once my novella get's to this point. The main reason I wrote this was to get into the characters head. Other than that I do completely agree I want to write out the speech but doing so would give huge spoilers for the novella that i don't want.

QUOTE
One thing though, sometimes you try to sound too grand or majestic which in turn makes some of your narration seem forced


Can I have an example? So i get what point's you mean?


--------------------
Why do we kill people that kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?
Top
Oblivion
Posted: Apr 10 2010, 10:34 PM


Lelouch Vi Britannia commands you!
Group Icon

Group: Epic Heroes
Posts: 1,416
Member No.: 158
Joined: 29-July 06



Particularly the entire first paragraph. If I were to pick a line it would be this one:

His long inhumanly white hair danced upon the wind, as might a flame upon a candle.

I would've written it as "like a flame upon a candle" instead. You still would've gotten the simile across. Sometimes less is more. Just a pet peeve :/


--------------------
[11:06] DB: If you have a lisp, It's hard to differentiate between "Pianist" and "Penis'd"
Top
Nigetron
Posted: Apr 10 2010, 10:43 PM


Pirate Bard


Group: Members
Posts: 29
Member No.: 1,192
Joined: 20-October 09



Oki, i see what you mean. Yea i have a tendency to be over poetic at times but not at other times. I will work on that ^^ thank you.


--------------------
Why do we kill people that kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?
Top
robertllynch
Posted: Apr 10 2010, 11:20 PM


I'll get you for this, He-Man!
Group Icon

Group: Gods
Posts: 3,537
Member No.: 1
Joined: 28-October 05



QUOTE
...and the man knew that know leader could survive without an army he trusted.


Should be:

QUOTE
...and the man knew that no leader could survive without an army he trusted.


--------------------
QUOTE (derek @ Apr 3 2010, 11:22 PM)
Rest assured, the world would be a much nicer place if you had never existed in the first place, and that you deserve to have your hands removed then thrown into fire in order to prevent any of the future abortions you call "comics."
Top
Nigetron
Posted: Apr 10 2010, 11:40 PM


Pirate Bard


Group: Members
Posts: 29
Member No.: 1,192
Joined: 20-October 09



WOW how did i miss that when editing?


--------------------
Why do we kill people that kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?
Top
RaveDuck
Posted: Apr 12 2010, 08:05 AM


Unregistered









Lots of editing issues.
If this is your first time going back and editing this then get used to it because you should probably go back and edit your work several times before you settle on something that you consider "decent." It's a great thing to do when you've got writer's block.

(I will refrain from yelling at you about your use of commas here, just pretend the diatribe was both loud and angry sounding).

You have the man give a great speech but you know what, a few epithets from this speech would've been nice. The greatest speeches have memorable hooks that people can use to get a feel for the character. (The only thing we have to fear is...ME ITSELF).

You also describe seven strong and near mythical beings (kind of like the mega-man villains in some kind of screwy game). Feel free to...describe these to us. You know, introduce us! You even gave us their names, but nothing about them. This is a great time to introduce us to the ARMY this man is going to use to murder everything.

I assume your hero is going to be a goody goody that isn't bewitched by the big-bad's evil power and also is unrelatably, inhumanly, dedicated to wiping out the big bad. The big bad and the goody goody will fight in an apocalyptic setting at the final hour of the big-bad's greatest evil scheme and the big-bad will die, possibly by the goody-goody sacrificing himself at the last minute.

Either that or this is going to be a story about how humanity struggles and triumphs over evil or something like that told through the eyes of several relateable characters from the end of the cold war.

Uh. I'm just trying to say your story is rather telegraphed. There's not many ways a story like this could end when your villain is the very avatar of dickheadedness. It honestly would've made more sense if your villain was a machine because "kill all humans" makes much sense when spouted by a killbot.

Your work was fairly short. It really needs to be bulked up before I'll consider it a "chapter." However, as a part of the overall story, it's damn good to introduce your important character's first, so at least you've got that going for you.
Top
Nigetron
Posted: Apr 12 2010, 06:17 PM


Pirate Bard


Group: Members
Posts: 29
Member No.: 1,192
Joined: 20-October 09



Once again it's a short story to get me into the mind set of the character, each other the individual "mythical" beings will have a story in their own. I just don't want to give a way too much as it will be a long series, probably written over 10-15 years if i do end up becoming successful.

I can see where you are coming from but i can assure you, the main players in the war are not so cliched. It is more of a 4 way war between, The god of creation (not your lovely sunday story one), a powerful insane being obsessed with revenge, and a calculative "goody goody" stoic character. I also assure it won't end as expected.


--------------------
Why do we kill people that kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?
Top
RaveDuck
Posted: Apr 12 2010, 09:02 PM


Unregistered









You'd definitely have a lot more willpower than me if you were going to publish this over 10-15 years.

I can barely stay interested in my projects over the short term!!
Top
Nigetron
Posted: Apr 13 2010, 08:00 AM


Pirate Bard


Group: Members
Posts: 29
Member No.: 1,192
Joined: 20-October 09



Yea writing full novel's is tough enough, but I'm working hard and results are being produced i find i can continue on a novel best if i work on multiple projects it goes slower but it allows me to switch between a few when i'm just not "feeling" like a certain story


--------------------
Why do we kill people that kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?
Top
zIFBoards - Free Forum Hosting
Free Forums with no limits on posts or members.
Learn More · Register Now

Topic Options



Hosted for free by zIFBoards* (Terms of Use: Updated 2/10/2010) | Powered by Invision Power Board v1.3 Final © 2003 IPS, Inc.
Page creation time: 0.0278 seconds · Archive
Affiliates:
- - - The Writer's Forum - The Spriter's Zone
Original IPB Orange style made by MrChicken
IPB Orange Editing and Logo by Robert L. Lynch