Department 13, Dark Horse

[robertllynch]

If anyone cares, I'm finally getting my act together on Department 13. You know... That action comic I've been working on since 2003... Tried to make myself draw three or so times over six years... Have a domain parked for two years... Remember that one?

Anyway, since I know I can't draw, and since I'm to poor to hire someone to draw it for me, I'm pitching the comic script to Dark Horse. I'm working off their submission guidelines so I have a five-page synopsis of the full 24-issue series, plus the first eight pages of issue one scripted. I'm in the proofreading/show it to friends for input stage now, so if anyone wants to be a test audience and is not scared off by a little tl;dr, then let me know and I'll email you what I'm working on so you can give me feedback.

I'll be submitting it by the end of next week, after I get this semi-market-research done.

If you don't want to review it then just reply with "good luck" to make me feel better.

[DB]

I'll read over it for you. Nothing better to do.
I'm horrible at handing out criticism unless I'm trying to troll someone, but I can give it a shot.
Hopefully there won't be a ton to criticize. Based on your previous works I'd say that's probably the case.

Hit me up at xbox123@optusnet.com.au.

[robertllynch]

I sent you the script and synopsis, DB. Anyone else?

[trombonefellow]

trombonefellow@yahoo.com

[robertllynch]

Sent, trom.

[Meeko]

I won't promise any worthwhile criticism, but I'll give it a look.

Babyatomizer@gmail.com

[robertllynch]

Sent, meeko.

[DB]

Right, I've read through it.
The premise itself is interesting. I'll admit, you had me do a double take after I learned that Zero is, by the end of the series, a time-traveling half-vampire who is the grandson of the big bad and great-grandson of the rightful owner of United Earth.
The character concepts, when put together, sound like a clusterfuck. A clusterfuck of awesome, sure, but that's still a clusterfuck.

The issues themselves sound great for the most part. Some of my personal favorite things are in there, such as Issue 13 and Issue 21.
Issue 20 sounds awesome, too.

The writing for the first pages was of good quality. Not much to say here, since I'm not entirely adept at criticizing writing, but at least you've got DB's seal of approval there, since I could make out what was going on.
The writing kind of takes away my worry about the clusterfuck of characters, because if you can justify and flesh them out with good writing, you can get away with anything.

[Meeko]

The premise and issues are all pretty awesome, I've always liked future meets past type things making the first few issues and some of the characters quite interesting. Issue 20 also sounds great.

The written part is solid and would be complimented well with the artistic part of the comic. I'm really not much of a critic, the only thing I can think of is "NeoTokyo" is a pretty bland and generic name.

[robertllynch]

Thanks. I realize now after 6 years of working on it, "NeoTokyo" does sound a bit bland, but I've used it for 6 years and I've grown attached to the name. If anything, I can write it off as being another aspect of the comic's inherent lampooning of anime, because there's been literally hundreds of sci-fi anime and manga featuring the city name.

[derek]

I'd love to review it.

Derock01@msn.com

[robertllynch]

Sent, derek.

[derek]

I would change Zero's name to something more traditional so it matches up with the rest of his family.

The fact he's a vampire doesn't seem necessarily important to the overall plot of the comic, so I'd try to put in some human/vampire tension.

The two secondary main characters have one arc to themselves while Zero has multiple. I would try to give their arc more foreshadowing before the arcs and refrences after their finished. That way they're given more importance.

The descriptions make your characters sound like Mary Sues, and the publishers will know. I would add some faults, and personality. Little quirks will make the character much more enjoyable to read.

Example: I'd change the smoking. That shot with the semi-tinted sillouhette? I've seen it. It's used in Cowboy Bebop, it's used in Sin City, and every other Noir Comic that followed it. It's a trope. What I would do is take the trope one step further with a shot of Zero coughing it up. It adds comedy, fault, and quirk to the character. It fits with the lampooning of anime theme.

As for the script, I would give it more narration. Sure a lot of details are given in the background such as the buy war bonds, and NASC label on the vehicles, but you have to remember that the first issue is also the selling point for your series. You need to be able to hook the reader, and little hints aren't going to be enough. It doesn't necessarily have to be caption boxes, you could reveal more about the world within dialoug between the D13 members, while still keeping the background details.

I would drop a lot of the sound effects, such as the ever present "rrrrrr" coming from the motorcycle after the first panel. We know it's there, so typing it in each and every panel seems redundant.

I'd like to see the 8 pages of art for the book.

[robertllynch]

Thanks for the input.

I'd like to see the 8 pages of art myself; that's why I'm pitching it to a publisher that can help me find a good art team.

I have alot of the fleshed out details in mind, but the submission guidelines limit me to 2-5 pages for the synopsis, so it's a bit tough to go into a lot of detail there. I was aiming to hit the broad strokes in this draft. I'll try to work more of the details into the submission.

[robertllynch]

Update @ derek:

I've reworded some of the issue descriptions to be a bit shorter so I can expand on the characters.

I added a bit of description to the SFX to validate thier being in the script (like "rising to a crescendo, trailing off behind motorcycle").

I went through a lot of the comic books and graphic novels I have and have to agree the smoking bit is awfuly cliche, but I like the layout of that specific overused silhouetted panel. How about this little character quirk instead: After that silhouetted shot that looks like he's about to light a cigarette, Zero blows a bubble and tosses a gum wrapper to the ground, setting up that he has a wicked sweet tooth (a trait I share, and would have an easy time writing into the scripts.)



To address a few more points I didn't before:

The vampire element isn't too vital to the overall plot, mostly because it's not widely known that vampires exist. As much as possible, Zero tries to hide his true nature

I will definitely be foreshadowing all the major story arcs throughout the comic, but you obviously wouldn't see that in the quick summary.

Zero is a regular name... Part of his backstory is that his parents named him after Zero Mostel because they watched The Producers the night he was conceived.

As far as expanded narration goes, I don't really think it needs a ton of explanation right from the start, outside of acknowledgment that it's in the post-apocalyptic future. I can reveal the global backstory a bit at a time. I think it's a bit more interesting that way; give the readers little glimpses to let them try figuring it out before I give them the whole picture.