The Invasion v Resident Evil 3: Extinction



I've seen both these pictures in the last week, and would be hard pushed to recommend either of them. So, in lieu of a traditional review, I have decided to inititiate a Battle Of The Movies points based system to decide which is worthy of your hand earned cash.

Now, anyone who has known me for more than a nanosecond will be aware that I have several basic requirements for any filum;

1. Sex
2. Fire
3. Violence
4. The Rawk
5. Sandra Bullock

I have, therefore, rated The Invasion and Resident Evil 3 on these basic criteria, and come up with the ratings below.

Sex
The Invasion
Not much, really, although there are a few gratuitious shots of Nicole Kidman stripping down to her underwear, and she is wearing a very impressive padded bra for most of the film, thus drawing attention away from the fact that she may well be the skinniest woman alive. On the downside, she does swap spit with Daniel Craig.
Points score = 10, minus 5 for spitswap, = 5

Resident Evil 3
Again, very little, despite starting off with Milla Jovovich in a bath, lots of nekkid Milla Jovovichs in pods, and ending up with 326 simultaneous nekkid Milla Jovovichs. All of this is offset by the simple fact that Milla Jovovich is a man, midway through a gender swap.
Points score = minus 1 million for all the 'confusion' caused in teenage boys (and girls)

Round one leader - The Invasion

Fire
The Invasion
Very little. In fact, barely enough to keep a nascent arsonist awake. And car chases and / or crashes don't count.
Points score minus 10, GRAND TOTAL = MINUS 5

Resident Evil 3
Oof! One of the best fire raising scenes I've seen this year, as the sky (literally) catches fire.
Points score = 500,000, GRAND TOTAL = MINUS 500,000

Round two leader - The Invasion

Violence
The Invasion
A reasonable amount, as the Body Snatchers get shot at regular intervals by Nicole Kidman who seems to live in a city where people just leave guns lying around at random, just in case a Body Snatcher needs shooting. Serves them right for that bloody awful 2-Tone hit "Let's Do the Rock Steady ".
Points score 10, plus 250,000 for kneecapping Daniel Craig GRAND TOTAL = 250,005

Resident Evil 3
What do you think! Zombies get shot, burnt, stabbed and decapitated every 2 minutes or so, for the entire filum. there's a few martially art bits for Milla to show off in and with a few disgusting shots of the zombies tucking into some live human entrees, you've got violence, par excellence.
Points score = 1 MILLION, GRAND TOTAL = 500,000

Round three leader - Resident Evil 3

The Rawk
The Invasion
None. Nada. Zilch. Composer John Ottman's approach to the score uses heavy synthesizers, accentuated with a live 77-piece orchestra, to create a sense of otherworldly foreboding and tension. Translation - boring.
Points score minus 250,000 GRAND TOTAL = 250,005

Resident Evil 3
Well, there may not be much, but what there was was brilliant. A desert convoy scene set to the thudding majesty of "In-A-Gadda-Vida" by Iron Butterfly and the closing credits featuring a remix of the Collide cover of "White Rabbit" by Great Society / Jefferson Airplane, featuring our very good friends Karin and Statik. The soundtrack album is full of the usual nu-metal industrial mince and misses out on "In-A-Gadda-Vida", but in the picture house, it rocked.
Points score = 1 MILLION, GRAND TOTAL = 1,250,000

Round three leader - Resident Evil 3

Sandra Bullock
The Invasion
Nothing, not even a hint.
Points score minus 250,000 GRAND TOTAL = 5

Resident Evil 3
Nothing, not even a hint.
Points score = minus 250,000, GRAND TOTAL = 1,000,000

Which means the winner by a margin of 999,995 points is Resident Evil 3: Extinction!



Sandra Bullock - not in either film