Terrible Movies, A review series

So, I found myself near a blockbuster today, and decided to scour their clearance sections for the most terrible looking movies I could find. I just finished the first.

Movies that didn't make the cut: Pumpkin Karver, Succubus

Title: The Last Supper
Tagline: Pure lust is the desire to eat the flesh of the one you love.
Should have been called: Iron Chef - Battle Cannibalism

First Impression: Japanese horror movie, I assumed would be like The Audition crossed with Machine Girl. I checked the special features in search of a trailer, but only found trailers for Kibakichi and Kibakichi 2 (I cannot escape that movie)

The Plot: A nerdy plastic surgeon decides to eat the fat from a liposuction operation one day and instantly becomes amazingly charismatic, an amazing surgeon, and a hopeless addict to human flesh. After eating several women he had either found dead, or wooed and then decapitated, he is found out by a detective who read the diary he posted on the internet about how he killed and ate women. As it turns out, though, this detective was also a person meat addict, and offered not to arrest him in exchange for a steady supply of meat. A fight ensues, leaving the doctor with a gutshot, but that doesn't prevent him from preparing a wedding feast and corpse sculpture for his friend and doing facial reconstructive surgery on himself within the next 24 hours. Then he dies.

Lasting impression: Wasn't quite the 'so terrible it's awesome' flick I was hoping for, but the awful dubbing made for some entertaining moments. 6.137/10.003

Next time: The Quick and the Undead

Reiff, I appreciate what you're doing. I myself love the "so terrible its awesome" movies. I would recommend "Tokyo Gore Police" for your review, if you haven't seen it already.

All hail to "So terrible it's awesome" movies. I remember how me, Reiff, and Haskins sat around at ION on Saturday night and just checked off some of the worst movies we had seen. It was so terrible, it was awesome. lol

Feast 2. They do horrible things to cats and babies in that movie.

Gonna have to add Maximum Overdrive to the list. I'll never forget "*HONK HONK* I think it wants gas!!" Also, the Canadian version, called Trucks. Once you see a remote controlled dump truck single-handedly assault and kill a mailman, you never look back. And the reason for it? Area 51!

On the "so bad it's just bad" list, you of course have Pocket Ninjas. I can say that seeing that movie 5 times is 7 times too many.

I agree with Bill. Maximum Overdrive is on the "terrible but awesome" list.

Well, here are a few of my all time "So terrible it's awesome" favorites:

The Invicible
Pocket Ninjas
Snakes on a Train
Grizzly Man
The Gingerdead Man
Troll 2
Kung Fu Vampire

I'm completely wiped from spending about 3 solid days on a project, so I'm going to watch The Quick And The Undead now.

I just remembered "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter:The Power of Christ Impales You."

Important note: Jesus gets punched in the crotch on a sunny beach in this movie by a female vampire while her vampire friends look on and snicker.

My favorite part of JC:VH is when the van full of Atheists appears and Jesus has to kung-fu fight wave after wave of militant atheists. It was like a clown car full of punk atheists and vampire lesbians!

Haha, I remember that one now. Next review:

Title: The Quick and The Undead
Tagline: In this town, dead ain't dead enough
Title should have been: Super Exciting Cowboy Zombie Adventure

First impressions: The back of the box, the dialogue in both trailers, and the opening line of this movie are the same verbatim. That isn't quite as bad as the title sequence, which opens by displaying "Nott Entertainment"

The plot: (Cue line that has been ingrained into my memory by this point) 85 years ago a virus killed 3/4 of the population. Those who survived had to take up a new trade. That's how the hunt began. Hunters have 3 rules. Shoot the fresh ones first; their muscle tissue is still in tact, then pick of the rest one by one (Main character does not do this), You can outrun them in an open field (He never makes an attempt to do so), and don't go inside (He does) as you can be left without a place to run.

The story starts out with the main character, riding a motorcycle and wearing a cowboy hat and half a paintball mask, spreading meat on the ground to attract zombies so he can collect and sell their fingers. Only after he has already laid the bait for the zombies in the middle of town does he retrieve, assemble and load his rifle. He stands an entire 30 feet away from the bait pile, shooting zombies, and when he can't reload fast enough he has to fight them hand to hand. Then some people come and shoot him, despite his cunning remark and attempt to fight back, and take his bag of fingers. After barely surviving and again fighting a zombie hand to hand while injured, he makes a miraculous recovery, immediately walking at full strength and wearing a sling for 20 minutes. Oh, also, apparently he's the only one who knows this even though it was on the radio, but you can immunize yourself from the virus, rendering him basically invulnerable to zombies, as well as bullets. He takes Hans, a guy who is apparently French but whose accent shifts between Russian, Indian and Middle Eastern, to find the people who shot him. He follows them, and at the half way point he encounters one of the people who shot him, and instead of killing him makes another witty remark and fights him hand to hand, and has his ass handed to him. Luckily, a group of zombies, one of whom wearing a gas mask, come and eat him. Then they go into a house, where the main bad guy reveals his plan to spread the infection so he can get more fingers. Zombies surround the house, and eat the bad guy, who after being eaten by zombies takes 2 more gunshots to kill. Then good guy goes on the roof and the zombies inexplicably vanish. Except for the zombie of his girlfriend, who he then shoots.

Lasting impression: Terrible acting (the main character often sounded like he had been dubbed over by an anime voice actor), shallow plot, lots of oversights. X+1/X+7

"It's ok, it's all-right, everybody gets laid tonight!"


I'm also slightly disappointed you didn't put Mr. T's Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool on there. When you fall, break dance! Or Corey Haim's whatever the hell that was. There was 1 person asian paparazzi. And, on the same DVD, Gary Coleman did that thing with safety, where he kept basically killing that little boy. Ah, good times.

And although I haven't seen it yet, I think we should tentatively put Feast 3 on there. Because the black guy got raped to death through a piece of corrugated metal. And it was funny.

I move that we make a collective 'terrible movie library', and once we're all/mostly living in the same area, we make an effort to get smashed and watch one once a month

Sure, why not. Watched this gem Sunday night:

Title: Special Dead
Tagline: Sometimes Heroes Ride The Short Bus
Title should have been: My Summer Advancing Negative Stereotypes

First impressions: "Wow...I can't wait!"

The plot (from imdb): When a zombie plague infects Camp Special Dude, a dude ranch for the mentally handicapped, a ragtag band of campers and counselors struggles to survive the night. Led by the indifferent, nun-chuck-wielding head counselor, Mac, and his wheelchair-bound sister Dale, the unlikely heroes fight their way off the mountain as, one by one, they're picked off and join the ranks of the walking dead. It's a campy stampede of blood, boobs and gore as some "very special" people show that they can kick some serious undead ass.

The plot (from me): Despite the fact that a camp for the mentally challenged's owner knows that zombies show up all the time, he still insists on locking everyone high up on a mountain. His son takes advantage of counselors and other campers, sometimes after they've become zombies, sexually. Even though there are guns present, our heroes are more likely to be seen attacking zombies with nunchaku, punching them, wheeling towards them with an electric chainsaw (with really long extension cord), or decapitating them with their bare hands instaed of shooting. With the speed at which everybody turns into a zombie, it's a surprise this movie lasted longer than 10 minutes. It was stretched out by having overdrawn zombie fight scenes that use the same 5 second clip of punching a zombie over and over again (sometimes slowing down or speeding up the clip).

Lasting impression: I still can't get over how terrible this was. Not only were the actors awful, but the film budget seemed to be in the hundreds of dollars. A good portion of the movie looked like it was filmed in a camcorder's 'night vision' mode with a resolution the size of my fist. I'm really glad we were all drinking while watching this thing because otherwise it would have been unbearable. This is one of those movies that I'm not sure I'd ever be able to sit through again.

Memorable Quotes:
"You ever ridden a zombie horse? I have."
"Don't fuck with the chucks."

I can't believe nobody has mentioned Ricky Oh yet. I'm going to have to leave it up to somebody else to describe it, I haven't seen it recently enough to do it justice.

Oh that movie... I first saw it when Brendan told me he got it from one of his friends and it was quite possibly the most ridiculous thing he's ever seen. Needless to say he was right.

Title: Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky
Tagline: Can't find one
Title should have been: Chinese Prison Massacre for No Reason

First impressions: Brendan: "He punches THROUGH people!!!"
Me: "Oh I HAVE to see this."

The plot (from imdb): In the year 2001 prisons are run like businesses. A new prisoner (Ricky) finds that the prison system is corrupt. When an old man is framed and murdered, Ricky strikes back. When prisoners are tortured for breaking rules he reaks unparalled havoc on the entire system. He must battle his way quite literally 'through' the feared 'gang of four', and undergo multiple tortures before facing the governor in one of the goriest climaxes ever seen.


The plot (from me): In the year 2001 prisons are run like businesses, and Ricky is put into prison for murdering the man who raped and killed his girlfriend (you later find out that she wasn't raped and then ran off a roof to fall to her death). There are basically 3 kinds of prisoners: assholes, complete weakling idiots and Ricky. Yes he has his own class. When Ricky refuses to play by the rules, the Assistant Warden (who has a fake eye that dispenses mints and an office full of porn videos) punishes him by making him face the "Gang of Four," the 4 men (and one looks like a woman) who rule over the four sections of the prison. What follows is quite possibly the goriest thing ever. Ricky battles the Gang and their associated cronies to the death, killing them in the most gory and ridiculous ways possible. He punches THROUGH guards with riot shields. He clashes punches with one guy -- bad guy's arm literally explodes. He fights one guy in the prison yard after lifting a 500 lb crucifix out of the ground by himself, gets glass thrown in his eyes and then proceeds to break a random "water vent" in the ground and WASH THE BLINDNESS OUT OF HIS EYES. He ties one of his forearm tendons back together after it gets cut by a knife! It just goes on and on. And all the while, he says, "I don't like violence!" The final showdown with the Warden is a sight to see -- let's just say it involves the warden having a gun with bullets that make people swell up and explode, and a giant meat grinder. And then the end of the movie just makes you wonder why the hell Ricky didn't do that to begin with.

Lasting impression: "That was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen." Seriously, it freakin' was. Ricky was just Kung Fu superman... he WASHED BLINDNESS OUT OF HIS EYES for God's sake! The girlfriend's death scene was hilarious, because to escape, she decides to run up to the roof of the building and jump off instead of running out the front door. The fight scenes are completely nuts, the special effects are laughable to the point of embarrassment (clearly wax dummies and ridiculous things spliced in), and the plot was just awful. And then the end... oh wow it just made the whole movie completely pointless. I was screaming, "why didn't he just to that to begin with?!?!?" Still, I loved every minute of this movie because it was just so over the top. Highly recommended!

Memorable Quotes:
Guards: "There are bullets in your chest! Why did you not have them removed?"
Ricky: "They are my trophies."

"I DON'T LIKE VIOLENCE!"

"You'll die mutilated today!"