I would like to encourage people to post any essays they might be writing for classes. Please give me the purpose of the essay and what the teacher is looking for. I think this will be extremely beneficial to everyone who writes papers because Peer Review gives you TONS of feedback.

I think this is a great idea and is really innovative. It just occured to me that this could result in a lot of plagerization then again that is the choice of the individual.

I figured that would be a concern, so if you want me to make this a members only forum, I can easily do that. On the other hand, if these are only drafts, it doesn't really matter.

No I think it should be left open at least for now. Honestly if people are going to cheat they are going to find away.

Yep. Besides, people sell their work on the net to be used in other classes. It's stupid but it happens. This way, our intentions are for people to get help with their work, not to post work to have it sold to people or specifically posted for people to steal.

I hope that it works out well.

Well I might as well kick things off. I was just going to post this in my works of writing but it is pretty long. It is one of my English papers that is a narrative a bit in the style of 1984 against the Patriot Act. It is still pretty rough but tell me what you think and point out any mistakes or things that don't quite work.


James Williams
Professor Miller
Eng.102 Sect. 4
November 29th 2005
Perfect
Since the passing of the Patriot Act which occurred just 6 weeks after 9/11 the world has changed dramatically. The year is 2101 and it is the hundredth year anniversary of its glorious passing. The act was passed near unanimously by the Senate 98-1, and 357-66 in the House. Clearly 67 people were terribly misguided upon the day of its passing. Well everyone makes mistakes, but thankfully the government knows what is right and helps its lost lambs to the right path. As hard as it may be to believe I was once a freedom fighter against the glorious establishment and advocated for the government to be overthrown. My tale is a cautionary one and will hopefully show people that the path of darkness and destruction is the way to eternal damnation. All hail the empire of light and purity that is America.
Log Entry 1
I was dreaming and I saw a world that was beautiful and free from this oppressive government. I was sitting in a lush green meadow and had my head tilted up towards the heavens and saw a cloud filled day with patches of sunshine piercing the clouds and bathing me in there warm light. The sky was so blue that a sense of peace and calm passed through me and for those few seconds before I woke I was content. Unfortunately reality was much less happier and just the same as yesterday I woke to my bleakly small assigned living quarters and 4 white walls that felt utterly devoid of everything. Oh how I wish that I was allowed to paint them, but painting your walls is considered to be showing defiance towards the standard and is not allowed. I am a freedom fighter and do plan on changing things through any means necessary, but painting my walls is too big of a liability with the random checks that occur every day. There was once a time when a warrant was necessary to conduct searches, but the Patriot Act changed all that little by little whittling away at the constitution and bill of rights. Under the act delayed notification became standard for terrorist case and the time frame of when the person whose place has been searched to be informed is under reasonable delay. The act made it so that warrants can be obtained in any district in which any terrorist like activities occurred, regardless of where they will actually be used. All of these expanded powers give the government to keep us safe, but there was nobody left to protect its citizens from the government.
I would often stare at my ceiling with my eyes shut and think to myself how did things ever become so bad. Our government calls itself a democracy, but even under histories loosest definitions of that world it cannot be considered anything more then an autocracy. “Representatives” of the people meet in closed door sessions and make decisions that throw away lives at the slightest whim if they think it will profit them in some way. The title of Lord that Americans once so hated has been reinstated into this country for its leader Jonathon Freemen. Through brutal tactics he was able to rise to power and become ruler for life. The senate is supposed to balance out is power, but ever since the Patriot Act the executive branch has become dominant. The judicial system would be a joke if it was not so sad. The Lord Freemen appoints inquisitors that investigate crimes and punish at there own discretion. No violation of the law is to light to be overlooked and capital punishment is standard for most crimes. One word of slander against the empire and death shall fall on you quickly if you are one of the lucky ones who are not made into Perfects. Honestly it chills me to the very core at the thought of being transformed into something so awful. The greatest heroes who fought against the government were not killed with honor for that might spark the people into revolution; instead they were made into Perfects who love the Empire more then anything. Nobody knows how this brainwashing happens, but it is said to be far more painful then any death. Enough about that I need to sleep some more so that I will have the energy to carry out tomorrows mission. My fellow freedom fighters and I are going to blow up the senate tomorrow during Lord Freeman’s address to the senate. That bright blue sky from my dreams feels so close and real for the first time.
Log Entry 2
The mission has ended in terrible tragedy, but I can’t figure out how we could have failed so badly. From what I am able to see I am stuck in inquisitor’s detention center and am in pretty bad condition. I closed my eyes and thought back to how everything seemed to be on track at the rendezvous point. We all showed up on time at a seedy looking bar called Blue Sky which the owner let us use because his son had been publicly executed because he was mistaken for a thief when his son Charles was in fact chasing down the criminal. Our group for this mission was small and consisted only of Tifa, Barry, Robert, and I. Tifa was a beautiful twenty five year old woman with ivory skin and dark brown hair that was like silk. Tifa and I had been friends since childhood and if this mission is successful I plan on asking her to marry me. Barry was a lanky man in his late thirties that always seemed laid back and never really said much and mostly just nodded in agreement. Barry used to tell stories of his youth to me in which he seemed so happy and would have continued to be content even under this corrupt government except his wife once spoke out against the administration on a bad day and was later found dead at the hands of the inquisitors. Robert was our newest member and was fired up with passion that invigorated our group. He kept his past hidden, but expressed his hate for the government so passionately that his hate seemed to dwarf all of ours combined. He was a barrel chested man with rippling muscles that always had a scowl on his face. This mission was orchestrated mostly by Robert seeing as he planned out most everything and even procured some high grade C4 which is very difficult to come by even on the black market. We were each to plant our explosives along the lining of the load bearing walls and place the transmitters inside the putty like C4 which would receive the electric shock and with their erupting blast would send the Senate collapsing down around the corrupt government and perhaps spark freedom in this land. That was the plan anyway, but that is not the way events unfolded.
I had just finished planting my share of the C4 and tried to signal Tifa on the radio, but she didn’t answer. I then proceeded to try and contact Barry and Robert, but again there was nothing other then static. I tired to casually walk around the building in order to find someone in my group. As my heart beat faster my steps moved quicker and I soon realized that I was sprinting in a terror in order to find my comrades. I stopped suddenly frozen with terror as I saw the bodies of Tifa and Barry lying in the back of an inquisitor’s truck seemingly lifeless. From the distance I could not tell whether or not they were still alive, but I still had hope because Robert had the detonator and this mission could still be successful. My heart was still shattered at the possibility that Tifa was gone forever, but I raced towards her because I had to know for sure. I started running again towards the truck to see if Tifa and my other comrades were alive and out from the truck stepped Robert. A sense of relief filled my body at the sight of him being ok and maybe this meant that the others were just lying in the back of the truck resting after such a stressful mission. As I ran with all my might to reach my comrades I wondered why Robert hadn’t detonated the explosives yet and why nobody had answered the radio call and those were the last thought I had before I faded into darkness from a blunt blow to the back of my head.
When I awoke I was here in the detention center and knew that all hope was lost. I kept my eyes closed and faded back into the darkness in order to await my torture and execution. That blue sky from my dreams seemed impossibly distant and as I fell asleep my body went cold with chills with the thoughts of my terrible fate and Tifa’s. As I faded into the darkness once again images of Tifa being tortured and killed filled my head and tears rolled down my face at the thought of never seeing her again. With my last breath I will curse the Patriot Act and the government that it has created. I will never forgive or forget the horrors that have been justified under its name. Tifa…..
Log Entry 3
After my interrogation I was sent to become a Perfect, but I can’t really remember what happened. That night I had a strange dream that left my head lost in a swirl of confusion. Up seems to be down and light is dark. Images keep going through my mind, but nothing makes sense. I see a parchment of paper and on it is written USA PATRIOT ACT in bold letters. It lands on top of the classical image of Uncle Sam. He is a bearded man that is tall and thin that seems strong, but not frighteningly so. As the paper settled on top of his giant hat a shot of pain ran across his face. His muscles expanded out in an unnatural way and he grew to the size of a giant. His soft eyes became red like a burning inferno. Then a globe appeared in front of this monstrous Uncle Sam and he went to grasp it in his arms to coddle it, but as his giant hands surrounded the world it shattered into pieces. I don’t know what that dream meant, but after when I woke up I thought that maybe I had been wrong about the government.
Log Entry 4
I woke up in my apartment and felt very strange. I am looking back at my log entries now and I can’t understand what I was thinking. The people that I had seemed so attached to in these stories no longer mattered to me. They were just terrorist and I hoped that they were dead or maybe reformed as I was. I walked through the street with renewed patriotism and looked over at the museum of banned documents and saw the constitution and bill of rights. Something compelled me to walk in even though that place filled me with disgust. On the wall was the first amendment which read "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances." What a useless amendment. The government knows best and should not be questioned. I walked out of that museum of banned documents and looked out onto the streets and saw a fool. He was a short man with red hair that was screaming from the top of his lungs about some terrorist named Locke. He shouted that each person had inalienable rights to life, liberty, and property and that a government as tyrannical as ours has broken the social contract therefore we must revolt. Was I really ever that stupid? As I walked away I could here him scream as the inquisitors dragged him off.
Log Entry 5
I was dreaming and in that dream I finally realized the truth as to why my wicked mission had failed. Robert was the traitor to our cause. He was sitting in the truck and not in the back of it like everyone else and he didn’t set off the explosives when he had a chance to. He was the reason that I was transformed into a Perfect and why everything changed so drastically. That means that he was an inquisitor this whole time and everything was just a set up. If I ever saw him again I would have to thank him. I shudder to think of the world without the patriot act. People would roam freely and act completely without restraint and the world would fall into disarray. The Patriot Act has given me the structure that I was unwilling to accept and given me a purpose. I am as the ancient Greeks were that pledged themselves to the state and republic. I will do whatever is necessary to serve the Empire of America for an order from an empire of light and purity cannot be wrong. I am so happy that the Empire has deemed me worthy to serve in our war against Britain. They were fools to preach liberty and peace to us for we shall now crush them for all who oppose the Empire will share the same fate of death and eternal damnation. All hail the empire and forever salute its everlasting glory.
End Log
I under the grace of the holy Empire had this work published to exalt the greatness of our government and the Patriot Act. It shows that even a damned soul like me can be saved under the principals of justice so perfectly embodied in the Patriot Act. Benjamin Franklin once said that “those who would sacrifice liberty for safety deserve neither” and my response to that is Franklin was nothing but a liberal fool. The Patriot Act made the constitution and bill of rights worthless and unnecessary relics of the past. The power of the Patriot Act clashed directly against the constitution and bill of rights and went against all of the principals that it stood for. The Patriot Act has triumphed and that is what makes it right. Might makes right and the Empire is the mightiest of all which makes it absolutely right. Hail the strength of the Empire and learn from the mistakes of my youth. The only path to salvation is through the ideals embodied in the Patriot Act and relics of the past such as the constitution and bill of rights should be forgotten as they mean nothing since the rise of the Patriot Act. All hail the Patriot Act and the Holy Empire of America. I love the Patriot Act and love what it has done. There is no choice, but to love it for that is the only choice.

Dragon:

In the paper, are you supposed to take a position on whether you support the Patriot Act? I like the creativity, outside the clear hijacking of FF names XD

One thing that is necessary is to explain what a "Perfect" is. I figured it out on my own, but you have to remember your audience (Dammit I should take my own advice). Pretend that you are going to publish this story into a book. You need to be extremely descriptive so that the reader can imagine every little detail.

BTW sorry it took so long to read this, I had 2 projects due yesterday.

Yes I am supposed to take a position. I was obviously anti, but do you think I wasn't clear enough? I would say that taking one name from FF7 isn't a clear hijacking. I just think that its a pretty name. I plan on expanding out what a Perfect is but I kind of like leaving it a little vague so that it will inspire the reader to think more on the subject. I do sometimes have a problem about being vague when my writing isn't completely introspective and plan on filling in a few gaps. I basically wrote this paper between 2-5 in morning when I was sick because it was due the next day. My teacher basically told me that he felt I needed a few modern example thrown in of abuse so I am going to create a Forward Log and try to meld it together with what I have written. Also thank you for reading it and giving helpful critiques. So do you really like it or are you just being nice? jk hopefully

It sounded almost like you were against it, then were for it. I think you need to make your position much clearer than it is. I got lost.

I do like it, I wouldn't say I did if I didn't like it XD

Well I am against it, but maybe you didn't quite get the Perfect or at least not my intent behind it. Basically the Perfect is just a brainwashed puppet of the state who loves everything about the government. Basically an extreme Republican. lol
The last rant that knocks down the constitution and glorifies the Patriot Act is meant to be something outlandish to show how brainwashed he had become. Maybe I need to make it even more extreme to help reinforce my vision of the Perfect. It seems that the Perfect needs to be developed much more then I thought. If you didn't get the point then like 99% of readers wont.

I have a problem with your paper, I think you branched way off, like wya wya off subject, your paper begins to add extra meaning where there is none. You talk less about the actual act then about it. srry, jus my point of view.

Everyone has different perspectives man, don't feel bad if you don't agree with my comments. ALL comments (except flames or sarcasm) are welcome here in order to help people write better papers.

Well, I do not agree with every one of your views, but I thought that the paper was very well written. I'm sorry it took me a while to read through it, I had just been somewhat avoiding it, because I knew it was about Politics, and I am not a big fan of Polotics. I also thought that it was just a peice of information, and not a story before I read it. I really like how you wrote that, it was very creative. Good Character development too.