Title: The Puppeteer
Description: Be serious guys.
Romanticide - November 17, 2007 10:59 PM (GMT)
I am writing a new story with my friend on another forum. So far we have written the intro (time has prevented much progress) Deirdra is my character, David is my friend's, and every other character in our story is played by both of us. Not saying we don't have some control over the other characters, but if my friend were to make Dsvid do something big, I'd be the person to make a final decision. Vice Versa. Yeah, that is how we roll.
I want you guys to be serious about this, and tell me what you think. What improvements do you think I need, and is the story compelling enough to want more? I won't keep the story up forever though so yeah.
The wind howled ferociously, attacking a bustling tavern. Its assistant, rain, helped beat down the old, dilapidated building. Trees above swayed from side to side, threatening to topple over any second. The only light came from small rustic lamps, whose warm golden rays illuminated the wet grass before the building.
Drunkards' laughter could be heard outside of the tavern. Inside the crowded vicinity were men and women; whistling, laughing, flirting, and singing aloud. The place was an absolute disaster, though. The floors were nearly covered in spilled beer, mud, and rain from outside. Empty mugs lay strewn about the room, as well as some uneaten food. The tavern reeked of booze, but nobody would settle down long enough to take notice. That is, except for two people, who sat in the back of the tavern, located next to a window.
"This place is disgusting." Muttered one of them.
"Oh quiet down Deirdra, we have been in worse places." said the other.
Deirdra raised her drink, agreeing with her accomplice. Then she looked around, eying many of the disoriented adults. Strangers, each and every one of them. Deirdra was looking for somebody in particular. She didn't know his true identity, but she and her friend were told to meet him there, but he was late.
"It's twenty after, and I am bored of this place. Let's just go David." She complained.
"Oh shut up. Haven't you ever been late before? Besides, storms hold people up." David looked out of the window. The weather was menacing, but he was not afraid. This man had seen storms much worse than the one at hand.
"Hmph, whatever." said Deirdra.
Suddenly, the tavern doors were flung open. Few turned to see who the new arrival was, and the ones who did quickly lost interest. It was a man, draped in a dark blue cloak. He pulled off the hood, looking around the busy place calmly. He spotted David and Deirdra almost immediately, making his way just as he did. His cloaked was dripping with water, and his boots left footprints on the wood. But the man didn't care, the condition of this old tavern was of no concern to him.
"You're late." pointed out an annoyed Deirdra.
The man shrugged. "The damn storm slowed me down. Now, let's get straight to business..."
David turned away from the window. He stared at the gruff man before him. His eyes were fixated on David's untouched mug. Though his eyes had found a place to rest, it was obvious that the sheriff's mind was racing. It was almost as if he could picture the scenes he was depicting in the beer.
"...She hung from the tree branch limply, swaying from side to side. Behind her was the lake, which was draped in a dense fog. But Anna did not die from the rope, this poor child was stabbed in the heart first." The man sighed sorrowfully before continuing, "One week prior to Anna's death a woman named Charlotte Edwards has passed away. This woman was found lying in her gazebo, strangled. Evidence shows that there was a drawn out struggle inside the house first. It is believed that she was suffocated inside the home and then dragged out to the gazebo behind the house."
The sheriff stopped to gather himself. It was clear that these two were very dear to home. Deirdra began to wonder if his emotions would get in the way of the investigation she and her partner would be conducting.
"Seven days before Charlotte's death Alan Jones was found dead in his dining room. He was poisoned, but that isn't all. We had found him propped up against his wall, a pool of blood beneath him. his arms and neck had deep gashes going up and down them. However, I do not think these lacerations were given to him during the death, but afterwards. He--"
"But of course. If the killer would have tortured the man during his last moments, surely Alan would have let out some horrendous shrieks." Interrupted Deirdra.
"Yes I suppose...Oh and there is one more thing." The sheriff stuffed his hands in to this pockets and began to shuffle around in them. A few seconds later he slapped one wilted white rose, and a scrap of paper on the table. "One of these were left at each crime scene."
David picked up the piece of paper first. He examined it closely, turning it over in his hands. There was only one thing on the paper. Two simple words and a colorless illustration were underlined in the center of it. The drawing was of a rose, which sagged beside the words, "The Puppeteer". David gazed at the title curiously, searching for any kind of meaning. But he didn't ponder for very long, for Deirdra interrupted his thoughts when she tossed the wilted white rose at him. Clearly, she wanted to trade. David sighed, and out stretched his arm. Between two of his fingers was the paper. Deirdra quickly snatched it from his extended hand and viewed it. She also questioned the meaning of "The Puppeteer", but not for very long. Mere moments after receiving the paper she slapped it down on the table. Deirdra then turned back to the sheriff.
"Is there anything else?" She asked.
"Not yet." He replied.
"Hmph. I was hoping this would be more interesting." She stated irritably.
There was a long pause. David continued to look at the objects while Deirdra gluttonously gulped down the rest of her booze. The sheriff then stood up abruptly.
"I have arranged for you two to stay at the local Inn. You will find if about a quarter of a mile North from here. It is the big building with rose bushes decorating the front lawn. If you have any trouble finding the place, just ask one of the locals. All fees will be taken care of." The sheriff pulled his hood back on and pushed his chair in. The wood scratched against the floor.
"Where are you off to?" asked Deirdra.
"I have to fill out some paperwork and rest up. You should think about doing the same. We have a busy day ahead of us." The sheriff nodded to the both of them and left without another word.
Deirdra watched as he exited the tavern. She continued to do so until he vanished in to the woods. Then she turned back to David. He was now holding both items in his hands. His eyes kept shifting back and forth between them, as if he were comparing the two. He seemed to be lost in a trance. Deirdra sighed heavily, trying to grab his attention.
David briefly glanced at his partner. She sat in her chair, lazily resting her chin on her left palm. Deirdra's walnut eyes presented boredom and dissatisfaction. Her wavy black hair framed around her bronze face. David only admired her beauty for a few moments though, quickly turning back to the objects in his hands. They too had a beauty about them.
Whereas Deirdra had a rough attraction about her, these items had a more artistic allurement. They were obviously connected, and yet they each had their own meaning behind them. They were mysterious, and enticed any who took the time to admire them. David was one of those people, and almost didn't want to set them down; but he did eventually.
"I presume you would like to depart?" He asked.
"Had I not made it clear enough?" responded Deirdra.
"So eager to move on. You never were patient." He added.
"Yeah, and you were always a slug." She retorted defensively. "Are we leaving or not? I'd rather you tell me now than keep me waiting."
"I suppose we can go now." He sighed, putting the items in his coat pockets.
Nessus - November 18, 2007 09:28 AM (GMT)
Well, I for one like it pretty much. And not becouse of politeness, but becouse it has a very good starting.
I'm really looking forward for the names - I do think that they have quite important roles in creating a story.
Also I like the way you've described the tavern. :D
Romanticide - November 18, 2007 05:08 PM (GMT)
Thank you Nessus, I'm glad somebody replied. I am having trouble with the name. I want it to represent a strong woman, somebody who doesn't care about the technicalities and just wants to get the job done. __2__ is more of an inquisitive guy, who takes things slowly and is more precise. The name just isn't coming to me.
I have gone through Marie, Kara, and Lucy, and I decided I didn't like them. Now I'm left with nothing.
Nessus - November 19, 2007 12:35 AM (GMT)
Well, you have quite a long story above you if I'm any judge for that, and that will be a great excursion for you to find their names. I'm quite sure that as the storie goes by you'll actually find yourself calling them on names. And they'll be the proper ones.
Romanticide - November 19, 2007 12:39 AM (GMT)
Well you see, I am co-writing this with my friend. We haven't gotten far due to other inconveniences like colleges, highschool, and laziness. I'm working on getting an image made for me to represent the scrap of paper, or business card.
Nessus - November 19, 2007 12:45 AM (GMT)
Well I can see easily why co-writing makes it more difficult to find the proper names. I did, or rather I am still doing, a co-written story with one of my friends, but it mostly depends on associative sentences. It started out as this:
I wrote a sentence on a piece of paper, and he wrote another after it. Than I replied for that sentence, and he replied for my reply, and so on. Now we reply in like two or three paragraphs for each other, and it became a somewhat coherent story. And there are only one or two characters with actual names.
Romanticide - November 19, 2007 12:48 AM (GMT)
That reminds me of the rps I see in many other forums. This story is more complex though. It is smart, unlike many others I see, and it will be made smart. Everything will be structured and well written, carefull not to tell too much, too little, or be inconsistent with past events.
Nessus - November 19, 2007 12:51 AM (GMT)
Well, the only thing I can add, that I can't wait to read the rest of it :D
Grate Oracle Lewot - November 20, 2007 02:51 AM (GMT)
Hmm. This looks to be quite good, I would say... it's definitely a start. There were really no major errors that I could percieve. You'll want to figure out the names though... those're important... although I don't know what to suggest. Um... I dunno. You could look at those online lists of baby names and find cool ones.
But yeah, it's good... if you wouldn't mind posting more when you're done, then I could get a better feel for it.
Romanticide - November 21, 2007 01:13 AM (GMT)
I'm working on it right now. I have narrowed the name of my character down to two things. Deirdra and Evelynn. I like Deirdra more though, so I think I'll go with that. The timeline is somewhere in the late 1700s so...
Grate Oracle Lewot - November 21, 2007 02:47 AM (GMT)
Hmm, that long ago, huh? Interesting. Uh, yeah... I'm rather horrid at commenting... but yeah... in all honesty, it isn't bad. I could say more if you posted more, but don't rush just because of that. In fact, don't rush for any reason. Or, well, I hate rushing, but I'm not particularly good, so maybe you shouldn't do what I do... I dunno.
Romanticide - November 21, 2007 02:49 AM (GMT)
I'm not rushing. I started this a month ago. Well, began thought and development a month ago. Besides, I write a rough draft, submit a second draft to the public, and then make a final draft. Then I edit that in. All goes through me partner though.
Grate Oracle Lewot - November 21, 2007 03:04 AM (GMT)
Well, I write incredibly slowly most of the time, especially at the beginning. Getting that much done in a month is far beyond me. But, well... actually, I could do it, it's just that I take year-long breaks between sentences. Well, nearly.
Danizzle - November 26, 2007 12:31 AM (GMT)
Actually, it wasn't that bad. But I agree with Lewot - it went too slow.
Romanticide - November 27, 2007 10:17 PM (GMT)
I edited in a new excerpt. I'm not quite sure if I like it though. There are many things in there that I doubt.
Grate Oracle Lewot - November 28, 2007 12:13 AM (GMT)
Hmm. I still liked it. It's not really that it's slow, it's just that it isn't finished. There are some minor grammatical errors throughout the piece, which is to be expected, but it does more or less hold my interest. I think in the end it will turn out very good.
Romanticide - November 28, 2007 12:17 AM (GMT)
Point out the mistakes for me so I can fix them please. Thanks.
Grate Oracle Lewot - November 28, 2007 12:26 AM (GMT)
|It's assistant, rain, helped beat down the old, dilapidated building.|
Should be its, without an apostrophe. Its is possessive, it's is "it is."
|Drunkard's laughter could be heard outside of the tavern.|
This makes it sound like Drunkard is the name of a character. If there is more than one drunkard, you would say drunkards' laughter, with the apostrophe after the S.
|Few turned to see who the new arrival was, but quickly lost interest.|
This would probably sound better as "a few people" rather than just "few." Or you could say "Few turned . . ., and those who did quickly lost interest."
Crap, I have to go somewhere. Well, those are a few of them.
Romanticide - November 28, 2007 12:28 AM (GMT)
Hm, thanks man. I edited the third one in the final draft, but I'll put it in here. Tell me if it works.
See Lewot, you are useful!
EDIT: Screw it, I'm using your version! ANd it looks like we have a name for __2__. David.
Grate Oracle Lewot - November 28, 2007 08:56 PM (GMT)
OK, well, since you like it, I'll see if I can find any more...
|The tavern wreaked of booze, but nobody would settle down long enough to take notice. |
"Wreaked" would be like "I wreaked havoc upon you." If something smells bad, it reeks.
|"This place is disgusting." Muttered one of them.|
"Oh quiet down Deirdra, we have been in worse places." said the other.
. . .
"It's twenty after, and I am bored of this place. Let's just go David" She complained.
Technically, you need to use a comma at the end of the dialogue instead of a period or nothing. If, however, you use an exclamation mark or question mark, you don't need to have a comma. You could use a period if you leave off the "(s)he said" part and make the entire sentence dialogue, but technically, if you include it, it is part of the same sentence, and so a comma is used.
|However, I do not think these lacerations were given to him during the death, but afterwards. He-" |
A dash rather than a hyphen would be used to cut off here; since, annoyingly, dashes aren't actually included on the keyboard, you usually use two hyphens in a row--like that. Some word processing programs allow you to somehow use dashes, and you can copy and paste them onto forums or whatever.
|"Yes I suppose...Oh and there is one more thing."|
Technically speaking, an ellipsis (three periods in a row) should have spaces between its periods. However, it is very common not to do this, and Paper Mario games don't bother to, so it's not that big of a deal.
|She also question "The Puppeteer"'s meaning, but not for very long.|
First of all, it should be questioned, but also, you'll have to do something about those quotations and that apostrophe. I think the proper thing would be to say "The Puppeteer's" with the 's inside, but that kind of can have alternate meaning, so you may just want to rearrange the sentence, like, um... uh, She also questioned the meaning of "The Puppeteer," but not for very long.
|His eyes kept shifting back and forth between them, as if he was comparing the two.|
Ah, now here is something that few people seem to know. In truth, this needs to be as if he were comparing the two. Whenever you have "if," that implies a hypothetical situation, and in such cases you always say "were," never "was." Don't ask me why.
Yes, there are also some misspellings in there, but I feel like a complete smart-ass already... but if you really want me to, I could point out even more things. I think you remember better if you find the errors yourself, though.
Romanticide - December 1, 2007 06:34 PM (GMT)
Actually, Lewot, you are helping me a lot. Please continue. I learn better this way, and treat it as peer editing. I am a kinesthetic learner, and am taught by people pointing out my mistakes, and me having to manually fix them. It may take a few times for me to remember it off the top of my head, but it works. And for some of these things, I kind of knew it was a mistake. Like "The Puppeteer"'s meaning and the Were/was thing. I knew something was wrong there, I just wasn't sure what to do.