Some poetry from the boyfriend, not a repeat of inclodbloodxxxemocrap

One of m boyfriend's hobbies is writing in his little notebooks he carries around. Many of these writing are poems. lists of bands/ideas/wish lists, dreams, random quotes from the day.

Jypsy has been craving some feedback for his poetry, and I mentioned you guys. He's willing to share some of his stuff for critiques. He's not some bitchy emo chick, so feel free to leave some constructive critiques.

Intro to one of his many notebooks:
"The owls have judged me.
The stars will mourn me.
I have set the path through the forest before me."

Entry from his newest notebook:

"I stayed and watched the violence in the sky
As the winds lit a flame
Luna could not help but shy away.

Upon that hill where I laid and watched
I heard her voice as the world collapsed.
Her stead was a beast of bone
That bore holes in my soul with its dead dog glare.

Her voice was familiar, like the witches whom loved me.
Her touch was soft like the breeze that held me.
Not until I saw, did my ease fade away.

Her eyes were dead, and her skin grey with worms.
Each one greeted me as a guest in their realm and
each did bid me farewell as she finished her spell.

The few words I caught, upon that hill,
were to fear the names that bellowed out from below.
As she parted, the violence grew out yet again,
and once she was gone, I simply stared up.

I could not help but watch the sky rip in half.
The bellows grew louder.
My ride is here, I'll hear them again when the beasts grow from tears.
And the farms are torn by the death of their gods.
I'll see it all as soon as I dream again."

Last entry in newest notebook:

"My writing is not worth the lives I love."

More to come soon, I'm tired and I just want to snuggle with him x3

The first one I like. It feels incomplete, but the fact that I feel that more should be there and want to read on makes it a perfect intro piece.

The second one I like the premise. There are some great metaphors and bits of it grabbed me. Unfortunately there was no rhythm or pattern or anything that took me through the piece. I couldn't help but try to read it like a book even aloud, and as it was in a poetic structure, even that was a bit difficult. However even with those difficulties, still my favorite of the three.

Not much to say on that last line. A simple statement of a value I would hope most writers hold. However without a background (that is knowing Gypsy or the value he places on his writing or the other content of the notebook), it lacks much punch.

perhaps put the last line in the middle of the poem to make it;

"The owls have judged me.
I have set the path through the forest before me.
The stars will mourn me."

that way the entity in each line is magnified through the poem and the rearrangement makes it metaphorical to the death sentence; sentenced to death, dead man walking, hung. Also this arrangement makes it more like a haiku and progresses line by line to a past, present and then future tense.

I'm not really good at critiquing poetry, I mean, any poetry sounds good to me, since I think it's so lovely so I would say that is pretty damn good writing.