What are you thinking about?, huur duurr random thoughts

Aw fuck I just got a hold of the entire Boards of Canada discography, including Boc Maxima and both volumes of the Few Old Tunes cassette mixes.

Tonight is the night.

God YES.

"Bloo bloo I'm last post in 'What are you watching now', so I can't post about how I'm watching Black Lagoon"

Just finished episode 10. Dubbed, because it's good.

Roberta is the best.

Someday I'm going to remember to post here more than once every 3 months.

Also wonderin' if it's possible to change my username on here, I don't use that name anywhere else anymore.

What's I'm thinking about is what everyone is up to lately? It's been quiet around here, and I hate seeing this place slowly disappear. It's like losing an old friend :(

Just finished my first semester of college :P

My grandma is watching the news next to me and I'm beginning to realize how little I care about what's going on in the world.

Slowly starting to remember what its like to have a life again. XD still stressed out but manageable.

otherwise the same.

Sorta floundering doing nothing at all. Really should remedy thoat. Still completely neurotic.

Beer is good.

CRAP I forgot I have a beer on my nightstand...







d'aww it's gone warm

This very much so. I miss you all ;A;

I was in 6th/7th grade when I joined MR and now I'm a semester off from going to college. So many of you were in high school or college when I joined and now you've all graduated or will soon. It's really weird to think about for me because I've really been one of the babies around here (have always looked up to and been inspired by all of you) and now I'm where a lot of you were when I first started talking to all of you. It's just really hard for me to wrap my mind around all this, how everyone's really grown up. (Wow I sound like a mother who's children have left the house). But I don't think anyone really expects it to be like, "Hey I'm going to meet all these people online and join this community when I'm 13 and we're still going to be a community when I go off to college." (Though we all know a certain married couple has beaten us all when it comes to things you would not usually expect to happen when joining an online community x3)

you guys make me feel like an old fart lol.

I was in college when this place started, and I'm still there.

Though hopefully not much longer, one more class and I'm done. I'm going to apply for graduation again next month and just have to make it through that last class.

deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrp~

For the last 2-3 weeks, all that's on my mind is working on my artwork for class.

It's gotten to the point where its like a habit now. Like a well oiled machine.

Grrrr.... I need to get myself into art school. Yup, that's what I've been consumed by for a few months. Got me 2 and a half years to prepare myself.


That, and the novel I started writing a while back and just picked back up. This beast hasn't been the most cooperative, but it's gradually coming together. Maybe that's what I get for having NO IDEA HOW TO WRITE a novel. Meh.


Just... never thought I'd be raring to go back to school at age 28.
(Between you and me, it's actually just an excuse to move back to California.)

Been thinking a lot about being "the bigger person" lately and rethinking my life. I've made a lot of bad choices, and a lot of needless sacrifices for people who don't give 2 ****'s or a giggle about me. I've settled for far less than I deserve for so frigging long and I'm tired of just accepting what's there instead of getting what I actually, deeply want. That goes for everything from my clothes, my shoes, the food I buy... everything. And one of the biggest things that I've seemingly entirely abandoned was relationships, since I was always telling myself "she deserves better than you" and now recent events have led to a slight overflow of confidence, enough that I finally said "eff that noise".

That riled up the guts needed to ask out the girl I've had a huge crush on for, like 2 years. Seriously, I'm so embarrassingly shy around women, I'm like a white Raj from "Big Bang Theory". There was some sputtering and a lot of blushing, but I finally asked her out.

She said yes. Honestly, asking her out was as far as my brain had gotten(I honestly didn't expect her to say yes...like, at all). Didn't help matters when my cognitive capacity train-wreaked from the resulting sudden "OMG" overload in my head.

I was literally shaking walking home. The good kind of shaking. The "I'm so happy I can hardly contain myself" kind of shaking, with the biggest **** eating grin on my face. I haven't felt this good in years.

Then I get home, plop down in front of the computer, and open up facebook to check my messages since my phone said I had 13 waiting and I didn't get to check them before work. As it turns out the girl I asked out(who'd recently been added as a friend) has been going through some rough stuff and last night(about 12 hours prior to my asking her out) said she was looking to move. Like, out of Province/country, in search of a fresh start because Calgary, and Alberta in general, is expensive as all heck to live in.

Now I'm really, really broken in the head. Did she say "yes" because she plans to leave soon? Did she think this is some deadbeat response to attempt keeping her chained to the city(cuz it's totally not, since I didn't see the post until just now)? Or is this an actual mutual and honest agreement, which has been circulating the rumor mill for the last 12 months...

I just... I'm so happy she said "yes", but that doubt and fear is planted pretty damn deep now. Why karma, why must you hate my happiness!?! Why can't I have more than 15 goddamn minutes of unfiltered, untainted joy!?! My brain is in an absolute 50 mile-an-hour swirl...

No other choice but to find out when you see her again, man. Maybe she'll decide to stay because of you? Ionno.


At least you still are able to think about the opposite sex, man. I have nothing on my mind now but work. I like it, I relish the fact that I love doing what I do so much...but sometimes I feel like I traded that for some other things, unknowingly.

go you for asking her out and everything. :3

Maybe talk to he about it? If its concerning you, not deep and heavy, but "oh I just found out you are thinking of moving." when you see her. If you open it as a conversation about her and not about "us" (meaning you and her) its not pressurised but you can suss out whats going on.
people talk about moving all the time, without ever moving. Did she mean it. Was it a late night "fuck my life is so tough right now, I just want to get out of here!"
because I said that like 5 times in the last two months. I have a burning need to get out of this place but no where to go and a few too many reasons whispering "maybe i should stay another year, just until I finish this masters" The problem is when you dont know where you will go its really hard to leave.
So i guess how serious is she?

Personally I wouldnt worry about it too much. If she took it as a last ditch on your count and wasn't interested she wouldnt have said "yes" (unless she is a person who takes politeness to a whole new level of wow). What she does is her choice. It may be that she is considering moving, but i guess if you guys are just honest about it it will wok out..


#disclaimer: these thoughts come from someone who when asked by a man
"So are you seeing anyone?"
paused for a painful length of time, confused because she Told him she had met with her friend earlier, only to go; "oh you meant seeing someone romantically" and then three hours later when she told her friend about it as a joke (because as conversation analysts we find pauses and awkward conversations in general fascinating) did her friend say; "I think he was asking you out hun" to which this person then replied. "Nope it was a conversationally relevant topic, he had been talking about how he wanted to find a girlfriend.. oh."

^That happens to me so often I've lost count. Once I find out I just don't even feel like pursuing it, it'll be too awkward.

When not thinking/working on stuff for school I'm future planning.
I want to major in illustration but humanities or world history are a really close second. And I have no idea how to go about this. I look at the courses for each major at schools I'm interested in and there's just no crossovers with the classes for each major. And I thought about minoring but is there even a way to go about majoring in illustration and minoring in humanities/world history? I just look at the courses and am like, "Wow I want to take all of these but how?" Majoring in illustration takes me towards the career area I want but the other is also what I've been interested in for years (and I can be taking Chinese and studying languages with that, which really appeals to me). And if I go with one do I ever go back and do the other later? Or double majoring even. (I have a friend in her senior year of uni and she's doubled majored in Chemistry and Psychology and I have no idea how's she's even doing this and I think she's possibly insane for doing so.) I don't know, but I need to know. And I need to know now because applications. And I didn't do the early applications so I have to do the later ones but those are still soon! ;A;

And then not school and college related (entirely) is trying to figure out when exactly and how exactly to go about cutting off ties with my family. I know post college but thinking about how loans will be under my birth name and how long it will take to pay those off. (Not cutting off ties with my parents until those are done and I know I can completely support myself financially). And how things will be under my birth name is important since in cutting off ties with my family I'm also changing my name legally. (And that's a joyous process I know. I have to figure out how to do that without my parents finding out what I've changed my name to). It's just a confusing mess really (this sentence can also be used to describe my life as a whole right now).

(If all my parentheses bother you, don't worry, you aren't alone. Just ask my English teacher.)

Diya, I want to address your first paragraph, and forgive me, because I'm going to be long-winded. If you can't be bothered, just scroll to the bottom.
If all the universities you're considering offer both Humanities/History and Illustration, I think you should probably opt for illustration, for a few reasons, and forgive me if I say some stuff that is totally wrong - it's been a few years since I was in college, and I wasn't there for very long...

1) An illustration degree can help land you a job as an illustrator, designer, artist, whatever, whereas not having an art-related degree will put you at a disadvantage if you try to go into a creative field.

2) You'll have to take at least two humanities/history courses for the liberal arts portion of your degree no matter what you major in, and they'll probably be prerequisites for a lot of the more advanced courses anyway. You'll inevitably end up needing to take those courses in your freshman year, and you might not even get started on an art degree. This ties into my next point...

3) You can change majors as often as you like, and as many times as you like. In fact, the average is, I think, 5 major changes by graduation among undergrads. So, since you'll end up taking some humanities and history courses anyway, signing up for classes relating to all your interests will help you get a feel for what inspires you most before deciding you want to go further down that path.

This all being said, you might say it won't matter what major you choose since you can just change it later, but the reason why I think it would be better to go with illustration at first is because art classes might be harder to get into than history/humanities classes at your university. See, when classes start to fill up, the uni is going to look at the registrations and ask, "Who needs this class most?" They consider many factors, like some universities let Seniors start to register for classes first, then Juniors can start to sign up for classes that haven't filled up, and so on. Anyway, another factor they consider is whether the class will count towards your major. If you're taking a class as an elective, you could find yourself losing your seat to someone who is taking it for credit towards their major.

A concrete example of this would be how I never had any trouble getting into language courses at my university because I was dual majoring in two languages. Now, Music majors, for example, have to take 2 semesters of foreign language, on the bullshit principle that it helps them read musical notations, which are written mostly in French or Italian, but since I was a major in that language, I'd bump even Music majors out of those classes, because I would need more of them than they did to complete my degree. Granted, I didn't complete my degree but that's besides the point.

Sorry this has dragged on, but if you're still with me at this point, a. You're going to college, so get used to it, and b. I can't help but notice you seem to be making the same fatal mistake I made when I was at the same point in life. And I see it happening to a lot of people. It's the way the public school system drills this obsession with college into our heads. You spin your gears round and round on deciding what you want to STUDY in COLLEGE and have no room to think on what you want to DO with your LIFE, which is a million times more important. I know, because this is what I did, and nothing else in my life has made me more miserable than the consequences of my decision to study what I thought would be interesting and land me a job I'd be good at, instead of thinking the right way, which is deciding what kind of job I wanted, and then figuring out what I needed to do in college in order to get there.

Now it's not too late for me to go back to school with the right perspective, but here I am squirreling away my disposable income so that I can move to California and study in a field that I really want to make a career out of. So learn from my mistakes, and don't end up like me. Never think about college at all. Always think about your career, and your life in general, not just your job.

Don't ask yourself, "What do I want to learn?" Ask yourself, "Where do I want to live? What impact do I want to have on other peoples' lives? Do I want to have a family? How would I want to raise them? What kinds of projects would I be most motivated to be a part of? What kind of company would I want to work for? Or would I prefer to work for myself?" Then, after you've figured all that out, you can ask, "How do I get there?" And if college is the answer, then instructors and counselors there will help you set yourself on the right path to get the education you need.

Answer these kinds of questions honestly and DON'T think things like, "that kind of job is too hard, I don't have the work ethic required for it" or "that kind of company would never hire me." If you figure out what you're motivated to do, you'll motivate yourself to put in the effort to make it happen. And don't get the word 'motivation' twisted up. Motivation means that you want something for yourself, not that your parents, teachers, friends, mentors, church pastor, or anybody else has you convinced it's what you should do. I've figured out in my own life how demotivational doing what OTHERS want for your life - instead of what YOU want - can be, and I've figured out first-hand just how positive motivation can get you as far as you're willing to go, and now I'm at a point where I'm pairing that kind of motivation with what I want for myself and setting clear, reachable goals, and I've never been more optimistic about the future.





1! CAREER FIRST! MAKE THAT EDUCATION YOUR CAREER GOAL'S BITCH, AND DON'T LET THAT BITCH GET OUTTA LINE!

2! If you're thinking about a career in a creative field, put yourself in perspective. Don't become a victim of other peoples' insecurities. It's not hard to be successful. If you're inspired, you'll be motivated. If you're motivated, you'll work hard. If you work hard, you'll make it.

3! Don't give up on what you really want to do because you're afraid of failure. Don't fear failure, fear regret - I've experienced my fair share of them both, and guess which one hurts more.

:ypwned:

so after talking with her, and some consideration, she isn't looking for a relationship. Not at the moment anyways. So the "yes" turned into a "not right now". It's not an outright "no", but I'm still pretty crushed.

Blargh.

That said, I really don't know what to think now. Do I cling to the hope of maybe it'll work out, or do I just... cut that string and move on? I've been friend-zoned so many times and I've been tugged along on a little string before waiting and waiting for that which never arrives, and I really don't look forward to that again. But at the same time she's a really great person, and I don't want to screw up future potential.

Hope really is the most damning torture known to man haha. If it had been just a strait "no" from the start, I'd have surely been crushed outright, but I'd at least know where I stood and could get over it strait away :P

Ive been on the other end of the "not right now". a guy I really do (still) adore asked me out but It was Just after danny died and I didn't have the emotional strength to deal with a new relationship. It wasn't an intentional friend zoning. I just knew I couldn't and I liked him too much to fuck it up. the unfortunate biproduct was when I finally was ready, he wasnt. I guess we missed each other timing wise.

It sounds like a good response. the way I interpret it is it sounds like she is interested but her life is in a place where she can't promise you an on going relationship, which means she is stopping it before it starts. I know it seems like friend zoning it is different

I would.. carry on being friends, and if you meet someone who is more available go with them. She might, like I did, come to you when she is ready. but you dont know when or if that will happen so treat it as a rejection. The ball is in her court on this. I never resented my "not right now" boy for moving on. It was a shame about the timing, but it would have been selfish to ask him to wait.